Brady to Retire

After collecting 11 TDs and throwing for close to 900 yards during yesterday's Monday Night matchup with Minnesota, Tom Brady announced in the locker room afterwards that he was retiring. "After today's record-breaking win and historic comeback victory against the Chunky Monkeys, I don't feel like I have anything left to prove. Three championship rings, a storied career, and a hot babe on my arm. Actually, speaking of arms, Doc tells me that I'm gonna have to amputate the throwing one after tonight's efforts. Oh well. I'm sure whoever my backup is will do a fine job of leading the 2-5-1 Dirty Birds to the top draft pick, I'm not worried about my future or the future of my (fantasy) team."

It may have been too modest of Brady to call his Herculean efforts merely "historic." How about legendary? Awe inspiring? Stunning? Call it the greatest sports related feat since Wilt's 100 point game. This wasn't just a comeback either, it was the "Miracle on Turf." A mere 20 or so hours after the Chunky Monkeys reveled in setting the new league record for a single game (178), they were upended and dumped on their rear ends in the waning moments of WK 8 -- yes, they were Buccaneered.

Brady started off the night kind of slowly with an interception...that he made. Brady had been pressed into service as a quarter-back, after the Patriots couldn't find enough CBs after their nickel and dime packages were spent. "That's right, we spent a quarter to get five cents -- but it worked didn't it?" Brady then immediately reeled off a barrage of three TDs before sitting down at the 11:54 mark of the first quarter. "I didn't want to blow out the other team, that's just unclassy." But then Brady was alerted that the Birds needed some more points to win this week and he decided to take the field anew. In fact, he decided to become Tony Stark, the Iron Man, by inserting himself for offensive and defensive series, as well as one special teams play.

That lone special teams play -- a 37 yard kickoff return for a touchdown -- was actually sort of an aberration. Brady was on the sidelines trying to get his photo taken by a reporter but the poorly aimed onsides kick by Minnesota kicker Ryan Longwell swung wide right and towards the sideline. Since Brady was already on the field (helmet-less) posing for his GQ cover as the ball sailed near him, he just...well let him tell it. "I just reached up and grabbed it, thinking that a production assistant was tossing me the ball to take a picture with. Then I just ran it back and did the Deion-dance thinking it would make for a good spread. I didn't even notice Longwell trying to tackle me near the end zone, he was so little and weightless."

By the end of the 3rd quarter, Brady had racked up 7 throwing TDs, 1 rushing TD (for fun), 1 kickoff return TD, 2 interceptions, and 3 sacks. Still, needing nearly twenty more points for the win, Brady made a decision to "go for it." In a move that is common for the playgrounds and in middle school, but had never before been tried in a NFL game, Brady played all time quarterback. That's right, he replaced Brad Johnson as Vikings QB for the fourth quarter and started chucking the pigskin to both sides.

With his new multi-team eligibility, every pass he put up there was positive points. The Viking and Patriot players would just line up near the goal line, and Brady would throw it up from the opposite goal-line, and call "Three Fly's Up!" Whoever caught the ball (Viking or Patriot) would then run it back for an easy, yet exhilirating, 90-yard touchdown. This continued for about ten minutes of game time before new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell called in to put a stop to this tactic that barely concealed Brady's desire to win for a fantasy team.

The Birds were still a few points shy of victory so to insure a win for them, Brady went back to the Patriots sideline, slapped on Adam Vinatieri's memorial helmet (looks like the real thing, but wholly unfunctional, more of a ceremonial item) and went off to try a 64-yard field goal. "If that Matt Bryant can hit a 62 after never kicking a 50, I can surely break the record." And Brady did it too, securing the win for the Birds after accumulating 111 points for the day.

So, in an insane, improbable turn of events, Tom Brady, Michigan alum and surefire Hall of Famer, will walk off into the sunset after securing both a win against a hated division rival, and the greatest individual game and team game for our league. Good bye Tom, it's been a great year -- and career. Thanks for playing. We love you man.

That thump heard in the Far East was Evan's body hitting the floor as he lost yet another high powered shootout. The Monkeys will now be changing their name to "The Eagles."