Brady to Retire

After collecting 11 TDs and throwing for close to 900 yards during yesterday's Monday Night matchup with Minnesota, Tom Brady announced in the locker room afterwards that he was retiring. "After today's record-breaking win and historic comeback victory against the Chunky Monkeys, I don't feel like I have anything left to prove. Three championship rings, a storied career, and a hot babe on my arm. Actually, speaking of arms, Doc tells me that I'm gonna have to amputate the throwing one after tonight's efforts. Oh well. I'm sure whoever my backup is will do a fine job of leading the 2-5-1 Dirty Birds to the top draft pick, I'm not worried about my future or the future of my (fantasy) team."

It may have been too modest of Brady to call his Herculean efforts merely "historic." How about legendary? Awe inspiring? Stunning? Call it the greatest sports related feat since Wilt's 100 point game. This wasn't just a comeback either, it was the "Miracle on Turf." A mere 20 or so hours after the Chunky Monkeys reveled in setting the new league record for a single game (178), they were upended and dumped on their rear ends in the waning moments of WK 8 -- yes, they were Buccaneered.

Brady started off the night kind of slowly with an interception...that he made. Brady had been pressed into service as a quarter-back, after the Patriots couldn't find enough CBs after their nickel and dime packages were spent. "That's right, we spent a quarter to get five cents -- but it worked didn't it?" Brady then immediately reeled off a barrage of three TDs before sitting down at the 11:54 mark of the first quarter. "I didn't want to blow out the other team, that's just unclassy." But then Brady was alerted that the Birds needed some more points to win this week and he decided to take the field anew. In fact, he decided to become Tony Stark, the Iron Man, by inserting himself for offensive and defensive series, as well as one special teams play.

That lone special teams play -- a 37 yard kickoff return for a touchdown -- was actually sort of an aberration. Brady was on the sidelines trying to get his photo taken by a reporter but the poorly aimed onsides kick by Minnesota kicker Ryan Longwell swung wide right and towards the sideline. Since Brady was already on the field (helmet-less) posing for his GQ cover as the ball sailed near him, he just...well let him tell it. "I just reached up and grabbed it, thinking that a production assistant was tossing me the ball to take a picture with. Then I just ran it back and did the Deion-dance thinking it would make for a good spread. I didn't even notice Longwell trying to tackle me near the end zone, he was so little and weightless."

By the end of the 3rd quarter, Brady had racked up 7 throwing TDs, 1 rushing TD (for fun), 1 kickoff return TD, 2 interceptions, and 3 sacks. Still, needing nearly twenty more points for the win, Brady made a decision to "go for it." In a move that is common for the playgrounds and in middle school, but had never before been tried in a NFL game, Brady played all time quarterback. That's right, he replaced Brad Johnson as Vikings QB for the fourth quarter and started chucking the pigskin to both sides.

With his new multi-team eligibility, every pass he put up there was positive points. The Viking and Patriot players would just line up near the goal line, and Brady would throw it up from the opposite goal-line, and call "Three Fly's Up!" Whoever caught the ball (Viking or Patriot) would then run it back for an easy, yet exhilirating, 90-yard touchdown. This continued for about ten minutes of game time before new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell called in to put a stop to this tactic that barely concealed Brady's desire to win for a fantasy team.

The Birds were still a few points shy of victory so to insure a win for them, Brady went back to the Patriots sideline, slapped on Adam Vinatieri's memorial helmet (looks like the real thing, but wholly unfunctional, more of a ceremonial item) and went off to try a 64-yard field goal. "If that Matt Bryant can hit a 62 after never kicking a 50, I can surely break the record." And Brady did it too, securing the win for the Birds after accumulating 111 points for the day.

So, in an insane, improbable turn of events, Tom Brady, Michigan alum and surefire Hall of Famer, will walk off into the sunset after securing both a win against a hated division rival, and the greatest individual game and team game for our league. Good bye Tom, it's been a great year -- and career. Thanks for playing. We love you man.

That thump heard in the Far East was Evan's body hitting the floor as he lost yet another high powered shootout. The Monkeys will now be changing their name to "The Eagles."

Record Breakers

Hong Kong, China - October 29, 2006

CTDB 2006 has been a wild ride for the Monkeys. GM Shiue said at the beginning of the season that this would be the year that we would see the team truly play its best football – and so far, he’s been right. As the Monkey’s cruised to another victor over the struggling Dirty Birds, the team is making history while they are at it. The team broke the cherished CTDB Points Scored in a Single Game record originally set by the Phreaks in 2004 by scoring 178 points in Week 8.

While featuring the likes of Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, Javon Walker, and Julius Jones – the Phreaks scored an unprecedented 174 in 2004. The record stood for over two years and was never really threatened until Buffy scored over 160 two weeks ago. Until now – backed by a stunning 121 points scored between Peyton Manning, Larry Johnson and LaDainian Tomlinson alone, the Monkeys made history as they won their 7th game this season by scoring 178 points. Despite the press surrounding today’s achievement, the Monkeys are actually in the midst of another record breaking stretch – the team has scored a total of 149, 153 and 178 in the last three weeks for a total of 480 points since Week 6. The league has never seen a dominating offensive streak like this before.

In a post-game interview, GM Shiue tried to downplay the team’s accomplishments. “The goals of this team have always been the same – win home-field advantage in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl. We are well on our way to our first objective but until we get the second one, none of this matters frankly. The team is of course, very proud of today’s accomplishment. The record set by Phreaks was a high bar and it took a couple of seasons for us to reach it. Its something we cherish and hope will stand for a long time. However, we need to continue working hard and putting points up on the board. We’re very fortunate to have one of the most talented and explosives lineup and its up to us to make it count.”

ESPN Analyst, John Clayton made little effort to hide his praise for the team. “Hands down this is the best team in CTDB history but until they win that ring, this team will be just like the Bills. However, the ability and the explosiveness of this Monkey’s team is frankly just not in the same league as the rest of the teams. Larry Johnson and LaDainian Tomlinson easily represent the best 2 running tandem this league has ever witnessed. Peyton Manning has been and remains one of the most dangerous quarterbacks and with the acquisition of Anquan Bolding, the trio of Bolding, Terrell Owens and Andre Johnson gives the Monkeys a receiver set that now really has no weakness. The offensive explosion we’ve seen this year should not be a surprise. GM Shiue had a plan for the team and they are simply executing that plan better than the rest of the league. Now they just need to win that league title.”

Crazy Town

It's a crazy year so far; I've never seen such a disparity in the quality of teams (and the gap in standings) in our league. We have five teams coming off wins and five teams coming off losses this week -- duh. But, did you know that we have four teams with winning streaks of three or more, and four teams with losing streaks of four or more. That's insane!

The only teams who are coming off of one win or one loss are Chunky Monkeys (who reeled off five straight wins before an incredulous loss in WK6) and the Tiiite End Jammers (who just lost one this past week).

In the Spunky Misunderstood Geniuses Division, the playoff teams are already sewn up -- barring a historic comeback. The Phreaks are leading the division at 6-1, with five straight victories, while two 5-2 teams (Green Team and Fat Jubas) are coming off of multiple win streaks of their own. The teams that are already looking forward to next season, Battle Angels and Fobsters, have lost five and seven games in a row respectively. The Battle Angels are 2-5 and the Fobsters are 0-7.

Yes, the Fobsters have yet to win a game. Even the Raiders have won a game... And this is a team with Matt Hasselbeck, Tiki Barber, Duce McAllister, Reggie Bush, and Chad Johnson on the roster. Not too shabby sounding on paper eh? But the closest the Fobsters have come to a victory has been in WK6, which featured a 101-121 loss to the Phreaks. So unless the Phreaks, Green Team, or the Fat Jubas collapse and the Battle Angels go on an unbelievable run, the playoff teams for this division is already decided.

In the Inscrutable Drama Kings Division, the Chunky Monkeys are off to the races, even though their potential undefeated season was ruined by a 149-163 loss to division rival Buffy last weekend. With that win and another this week, Buffy (3-3-1) is on a three game winning streak and looking to solidy their position in the playoffs. The two 3-4 teams behind Buffy fighting it out for another playoff spot are heading in different directions. After three quick wins to start the season, Ante Up has lost four in a row and don't show any signs of rebounding. The Tiiite End Jammers have had an up and down season but they are still clearly in the running for a coveted playoff spot. The 1-5-1 Dirty Birds (on a five loss streak) are clearly only competing for pride and a high draft pick next year.

Is it parity in Catch the Damn Ball? Or is it despar-ity?

Power Rankings!

Shanghai, China - October 25, 2006

A look at the teams best (and worst entering the second half of the season). Lets start with the bottom shall we?

1. Fobsters (0-7-0) – Rookie GM, Jimmy Wu, has struggled mightily in his initial season. With Art Shell leading his Raiders to a win, its safe to say that the Fobsters are in a class by themselves. Lets just say this class likely takes a different bus to school than the other kids. The Fobsters are loaded with talent in the backfield, but just cannot put together a win. With Chad Johnson struggling to work on his endzone celebration having only scored one TD all year, Tiki Bear announcing his retirement, Hasselbeck suffering a likely more-serious-than-ESPN-is-reporting injury – the team continues to be in disarray. The natives are restless and rumors are whirling regarding management and changes that will likely to be made.

2. Dirty Birds (1-5-1) – Veteran GM, Jon Yang, has struggled mightily in his 5th professional season in CTDB. The team is thoroughly underperforming and has struggled to find any sort of consistency on offense. While Yang has collected 2 Chargers on his team (a smart move on his part), the Birds are losing their feathers quick. After its superbowl season in 2002, the Birds suffered through two years of losing records before breaking out last year. With injuries and underperformers littering the lineup, the Birds recently suffered its 5th straight loss. Dirty Bird fans were temporarily placated with the success of last season but now faced with a 3rd losing season in the last 4 years, the trolls are back. Sources tell us that Andre Rison has been interviewing for the coaching position. Some bad moon wouldn’t be that bad would it?

3. Ante Up (3-4-0) – Standings would tell us that Battle Angels are technically a worse team but we see more issues here. While the team has plenty of firepower with Tatum and Westy in the backfield (along with Edge who is probably averaging less than his height in yards per carry) bolstered with a solid receivers core consisting of Chambers, Driver, and Reggie W – Ante Up has struggled mightily in putting up points. Ante Up has scored a total of 587 points this season or 83 points a week. The rest of the IDK division is averaging 10 more points per week than Ante Up. Edge has been a borderline disaster, Westy is banged up and while Chambers has been decent, Donald Driver and Reggie Wayne have been disappointments. To make things worse, Rex Grossman has transformed into a 4th tier QB that recently recorded the worst carry over in CTDB history: -5.

4. Battle Angels (2-5-0) – After suffering its 5th straight loss, the Angels are probably outsiders looking in for this year’s playoffs. GM Vu Dinh has tinkered with his lineup throughout the season to try and find a winning combination. Star rook, Laurence Maroney, has shown flashes of brilliance. Steve Smith has been all-world. Reggie Brown has proved to be much better than Fred-Ex and has been a star receiver the last three weeks with scores of 15, 23, and 15. However, the top three teams in SMG divisions all have 5-2 records or better. We see good things for the Angels this year but it probably won’t be enough.

5. Tiiiite End Jammers (3-4-0) – The Jammers, long time nemesis of the Monkeys, just isn’t quite what they used to be. With three straight playoff seasons since 2001 culminating in a dominant 2003 season, the Jammers have been a bottom-dwelling team since then. While the team has already matched last year’s win total (3 games), the team is struggling through its first real roster shakeup in a couple of years. Names such as Leon Washington, Joseph Addai, and Jerious Norwood now comprise of the main talent on the Jammers. While the receiver core has been a pleasant surprise from a traditionally run-first team (you run when you have Terrell Davis, Priest Holmes, and Ricky Williams on the same team in 2001) – the team is struggling to find a consistent offense. The upside is that the Jammers will likely make the playoffs this year unless they find a way to tank below Ante Up.

6. Buffy (3-3-1) – No, this is not a makeup call for a brutal win against the Monkeys. Hate mail will undoubtedly flood in after this is posted. How can a team that has won 3 games in a row, a team that demolished the Monkeys by nearly 15 points, a team that set the likely season high score of 163 points in a week – be only the 5th best team? Can this really be a fluke? We say yes. Buffy can flex all they want but we want to see more. If you take away the 163 and the resulting 117 score (mostly from a ridiculous 80+ pt carryover from 3 players), Buffy has averaged a very pedestrian 93 points per week. Take away the crazy carryover, Buffy probably would’ve scored under 70 points this week. The team is fortunate that its playing in an unusually weak IDK division this year and is treading a second place ranking with a .500 record.

7. Green Team (5-2-0) – GM Ng deserves all the credit he can get. He has struck fantasy gold with the acquisitions of Bernie Berrian and Robbie Gould. The guy could have also found a keeper monster in Brandon Jacobs as well. There is a reason why the lean green machine has reached a 5-2 record so far. The roster is solid and deep with a good mix of talent and veteran leadership. The bad thing is that they are in the same division as the Phreaks and Shrapnel. It will be a great winter for football in the SMG.

8. Fat Jubas (5-2-0) – The defending champs are back. The Jubas, outside of the Monkeys, have quietly been a model of success. The Jubas is one of the top two teams in the SMG division each and every year and consistently reach the division championships or the playoffs each year. They put it together finally last year with a huge win over arch-rival Monkeys. (I think the Monkeys are hated by everyone). The team has won 5 games in a row and is nipping at the heels of first place again. Despite the loss of Shaun Alexander, GM Liao has made a number of shrewd moves – including the trade for Gore and Coles, the signing of Colston and playing in more magic tournaments – the team is here to stay folks. Get used to it.

9. Philadelphia Phreaks (6-1-0) – The Anti-Juba. The Phreaks have had only one winning season since 2001. While its 2-11 record of worst season record is being threatened by the likes of the Fobster and Dirty Birds this year, the Phreaks have finally put together a legitimate team. The Phreaks are clearly the class of the SMG division and a solid draft this year has put the team on top. Donnie is all world again and TJ and Roy Roy are breaking out. The running backs are talented if not a tad inconsistent. With the impending return of Donte, there won’t really be a weakness here. Barring injuries, this is a divisional champion in the making. They have best record in the league, second most points, second best breakdown (hypothetical aggregate standing if you played everyone each week) and the most number of Shanghainese cheerleaders in the league.

10. Chunky Monkeys (6-1-0) – Mr. Regular Season. Is this finally it? Is this the season? GM Shiue made a huge statement by trading for Anquan Boldin. You’re looking at a lineup of Peyton, LJ, LT, TO, Andre2000, and Boldin – I know teams tremble. Lets review some stats (you know I love this stuff – its my team and my article). The team is averaging over 131 pts per week through the first seven weeks. That is more than 20 points more per week than the second highest scorer (Phreaks). 20?! The Monkeys have an ungodly breakdown record of 58-5-0 on the season. That’s a 90% win percentage. They are a hypothetical undefeated team against half the league over 7 games. Using the breakdown standings as a proxy, the Monkeys have reached over 100 wins the last two seasons. This season could be even better and would be the best in history. The team suffered a minor bruise of a loss to Buffy despite scoring nearly 150, and the team came back and scored another 140+ the following week. The Monkeys lowest score all season has been 112. None of this matters in the post season though.

Buffy "Flexes"

The juggernaut of a team has finally been handed their first loss. The Monkeys lost to Buffy in one of the most exciting games in CTDB history (163-149, Torry Holt scores 38, Joe Horn 26, and LT 40). GM Cheng said, "It was back and forth all game long, I was sweating bullets. GM Shiue contacted me throughout the game conceding the game, then taking it back again, but we took it in the end."

On any given Sunday, team Buffy can be the best team in the league, outspoken WR Joe Horn, President of the Roy Williams Fan Club, was quoted as saying, "Man, i told ya'll, if our offense is playing the way its supposed to, we can score 150 a game, no doubt baby!" With 163 points scored, team Buffy was only 11 points short of tying the all-time high score in a single game.

GM Cheng concluded the post-game press conference with the following remarks, "We are not the type of team to take it one game at a time, we plan on winning every game the rest of the season, and that started last week. We will be a 3-time CTDB champion, It's our destiny."

Defeated?

As CTDB enters its 5th week, teams are starting to separate themselves. Some teams, like the undefeated Monkeys and the surprising Phreaks have started strong this season. However, this issue looks to examine the floundering teams of CTDB - most notably Buffy and Fobsters. The two teams are a combined 0-7-1 and have scored a combined 621 points. The Monkeys and the Phreaks on the otherhand have totaled 947 points in that same time frame. Over 4 weeks - thats an average of over 80 more points scored a week or 40 points per team! As GM Yang would say - Wowzas!

Buffy (0-3-1)
The glory team of yesteryear. Are they the CTDB version of the Raiders? A once dominant team committed to excellence is now struggling to put up offense and finds itself 3.5 games out of first place entering Week 5. Experts point to an aging lineup and an inexplicable managerial style that has resulted in many wasted points (see Mssr Willie Parker). However, the core skill players remain talented and explosive. Carson Palmer seems to be fully healed and is only held back by his teammates inability to stay out of jail. Torry Holt remains a top receiver while Willie Parker is everything that is young, fast, and Willie about CTDB. However, the rest of the team is anchored by veterans that simply haven't performed. Outside of Terry Glenn, soon to be retirees Joe Horn, Derrick Mason, Fred Taylor and even a rebounding Jamal Lewis have failed to make an impact this year. Despite a great special teams and outstanding defense, Buffy will need to see some consistency in the backfield and the WR3 position before considering a run this year. Buffy fans have rallied for the owner to rebuild and trade for young talent but GM Cheng is notorious for going with his best guns who are often the wily vets. We'll see ... its been awhile since Buffy has seen the mountaintop.

Fobsters (0-4-0)
CTDB's first and premiere expansion team - hasn't exactly been a success. Rookie GM, Jimmy W, with his years of coaching experience in the CTDBDL (CTDB Development League) has struggled to keep up with the rules in the big show. Following a draft that was met with mixed reactions from fans, the team has failed miserably in putting up any sort of offensive effort. The core of this team is as talented as any in the league but will likely need a move or two before it can crawl back into contention. Hasselbeck has been up and down. Star backs, Tiki Barber, Reggie Bush and Cadillac Williams have been fantasy disappointments. So has Chad Johnson. The talent is here and ready ... they just need a gameplan to execute. How long before we see fans carrying "TRADE JIMMY" posters?