Juba's World

Things are a-brewin' in Santa Clara these days. In back to back shocking announcements, the venerable Flaming Shrapnel team has named a new GM - and rechristened itself. In the ultimate vote of confidence, team officials named Juba the new GM, and then promptly named the team after him.

"We're now the Fat Jubas," says team owner Eric Liao. "It's long overdue actually. Juba's been slowly taking control of all our properties, and he's just done a fantastic job. The Juba brand has just been phenomenal here. Plus he's unmatched in the negotiating room."

To attest to this, we talked to some recently signed players, and despite weighing in at seven pounds, it's clear Juba is no lightweight in this arena. "It's his eyes, man. That stare. You just know you're gonna blink first. And he's so.... green. That Benson kid [Cedric, the Jubas' first round draft pick], he held out for thirtysome days? Five minutes with the Juba. That's all it took."

A player who asked to remain unnamed had some rather unsavory details on the relationship between Liao and Juba. "Liao's been [Juba's] b*tch for years. I mean, I heard he feeds him, and even cleans his sh!t! That's just wrong man."

And of course, what Fat Juba article would be complete without a quote from its most colorful player, Terrell Owens: "That f%#&ing green bastard's the reason I don't have a new deal yet." Of course, when asked about reports that all Shrapnel merchandise had gone missing, Owens smiled and said, "That's right. eBay's paying my salary now!"

Sky High?

How would you feel as a defense facing off against a lineup like this? Record setting Peyton Manning behind center. All world LaDainian Tomlinson and oh-so-close-to rushing champion Shaun Alexander in the backfield, both chomping at the bit and awaiting the ball. Then you look to your right and your left, and see 6-3, 220 lbs of muscle and speed; Javon Walker and Andre Johnson are on the edges, waiting to sprint past your secondary, your couches, your mascot and your cheerleaders on the way to the endzone. Then you look at the slot position, and see six foot TJ Houshmandzadeh, who's as hard on scrabble players as he is on mismatched nickel corners.

Think you have a chance to stop them? Think you have a chance to win?

The Chunky Monkeys, consistent contenders but always exposed as pretenders in the playoffs, are looking better than ever. The Monkeys aren't reloading as much as they are ready to set records. With a supplemental day draft that netted Javon Walker in a draft day trade, and pickups of young WRs Houshmandzadeh, speedster Donte Stallworth and TO's heir apparent Brandon Lloyd, Chunky's backups are better than most team's starters.

And should LT or Shaun go down to injury, intriguing Kevan Barlow is there. And if Priest Holmes goes down to injury (which we know he will), Larry Johnson will serve as a feature back.

The Monkeys are chock full of talent but feel the pressure of a fan base that has been anxiously awaiting a championship, or at least a Fantasy Bowl appearance. Coach Shiue realizes that he has, arguably, the top three fantasy picks in the land in Manning/LT/Alexander, as well as two of the best young WRs in the league.

What could possibly go wrong to derail the Chunky's season? In seasons past, everything and anything. Records and wins don't amount to much when the championship trophys are sitting on division rival's mantels. Inscrutable Drama Kings Buffy, Dirty Birds and the Tiiite Ends have each won championships -- two in Buffy's case -- in recent years. All without the benefit of a roster like the Monkeys.

We saw what TO did for the Eagles last season, will Javon do the same for the Monkeys? Only time will tell.

Keepers Announced, Big Trades!

In what has to be a banner day for the league, a flurry of trades preceded the keeper announcment deadline.

Long rumored to be shopping his wares, the Phreaks waited all summer for an offer he couldn't refuse. Finally, a mere twelve hours before the deadline was to pass, regular season dominators, the Chunky Monkeys, offered a 1st round pick for Javon Walker and a 4th rounder. The Phreaks were overstacked with keepers and had been looking to move so team management gathered during a bathroom break and quickly pulled the trigger.

Bam.

Javon Walker, one of the most promising WRs named Javon, was now a Monkey. Paired with a young Andre Johnson, Peyton Manning now has some stellar targets to throw to. Not to mention two studs (LT and S.Alexander) behind him in the backfield.

The Phreaks now own four of the top fifteen picks after all their wheeling and dealing. In what looks like a deep draft, the Phreaks are positioned to stock their roster with all star talent for a drive to the playoffs. No longer content to be average, the Phreaks are swinging for the fences this year.

As if this wasn't news enough, an unexpected, mano-el-mano, trade of Ahman Green for Joe Horn came an hour later. This mega-trade involved the past two CTDB champions, Buffy and Tiiite End Jammers. Looking to add some loud mouth to his aerial attack, the Jammers snatched up Joe Horn to complement the reticent Marvin Harrison. That's two of the top five WRs in the game people. And Ahman? He should bounce back after an off year, as Buffy is the place to go for disappointing players seeking championships (see: Corey Dillon 2004).

This would have been enough news for two months, but another trade dropped right before the deadline. In a cloak and dagger email negotiation, fantasy Randy Moss copied reality Randy Moss by switching from his long time team to a new one. The DIRTeByRDeeZ have been looking for a star WR since the loss of Marvin Harrison and here was the answer. The Battle Angels get back star-to-be Willis McGahee and deep threat Ashley Lelie to add some youth to his aging roster (C.Martin, M.Muhammed).

So, the first few weeks of this season will be incredibly interesting as owners and fans evaluate these last minute trades. Who got the better end of each deal? Only time will tell.

Fighters! To your corner!

Walker to Monkeys

A long night of negotiations conducted at an undisclosed location (rumored to be San Francisco's popular Betelnut restaurant) resulted in CTDB's first deal of 2005. Beating the keeper deadline by mere hours, Chunky Monkey GM Evan Shiue and Philadelphia Phreaks GM Ping Shen hammered out a deal that sees the Phreaks sending stud WR Javon Walker and the Phreaks 2005 4th round pick to the Monkeys in exchange for the Monkey's 2005 1st round pick.

Reached for comment from team headquarters, GM Shiue stated that, "Adding Javon to a team that already has the top 3 consensus draft picks this season is icing on the cake. Pure gravy baby. Better fit me for the ring now."

Phreaks GM Shen continued his long tradition of dealing non-keeper players for draft picks and he bid Walker farewell. "Javon is a tremendous talent and he makes the Monkeys a formidable team. However despite repeated attempts, no other GMs were willing to even step to the negotiating table with me. I credit Evan [Shiue] for having the foresight and daring to step up to the plate with his offer. We feel strongly now that we made the best decision for our team, and that our front-loaded draft will pay huge dividends both this year and for years to come."

An anonymous league source was not as pleased as Shiue and Shen, remarking, "This could make the Monkeys unbeatable. What was Shen thinking?" Surely this source didn't expect Shen to release Javon for nothing however, and ESPN analyst Tom Jackson agrees with the move, offering that, "Shen had to get something for Javon and a number one pick in a draft with this kind of talent is a great deal. Hey, if the other teams are pissed off, maybe they should have made an offer to the Phreaks. There are 6 teams out there that have higher 1st round picks than the Monkeys. They have no right to complain."