Carriage House Rules!

Two of the hottest teams in the league right now both hail from the same apartment in Michigan. Now we know what you're thinking... shenanigans! But no. This duo was just holed up together for no other reason than to study football and play Madden -- and they're sticking with that story. Now, five years after they parted, they are together again, atop the Catch The Damn Ball League standings.

The Green Team proved that it was for real this week, beating the favored Chunky Monkey and dropping them to second behind the Dirty Birds. The Birds returned the favor by beating early season favorite Battle Angels, moving the Green Team up to first.

Both the Green and the Bird's defenses were instrumental in their victories. The Bird's stifled the Curtis Martin / Randy Moss attack (8 combined points) that had been so potent this year. The Baltimore D of the Green Team had 25 points, setting the tone for the rest of the Green Team. These two teams may not be filled with bonafide stars but they're winning with balance. Each week, almost every player is getting 10+ points for these two owneres and Ws have been rolling in.

The Birds are on a season high 4 game winning streak and there looks to be no end in sight, as their young players get better and better. No comments lamenting the loss of Tiki will be said here, since he is too old to be bothered with (but we'll take him back if you want to return him Lei, who has my ENTIRE team from last year). The Green Team has been hurt by the lackluster season turned in by Kevan Barlow, Santana Moss and Chad Pennington but they continue to win behind Brett Favre, Thomas Jones and new find Ruben Droughns.

Critics and jealous team owners are quick to point to the Birds and the Green Men's weak schedules as the reasons for their success. But owners Yang and Ng laugh it off as they swig the bubbly and enjoy the leggy fruits of their labor. "When you're at the top of the world, everyone hates you, but we know we're a good team(s), it's not because our opponents suck. And even if that were true, that would mean that YOU guys suck, since you guys are the opponents and the haters! Woo hoo! Off to Chuck E Cheese!"

The Birds and the Green Team are slated to meet in WK10, and the winner of that game will be crowned "King of the World."

In other Michigan related news, Skool defeated Ante Up this past weekend, extending their winning streak to three. While Green and the Dirties sit atop the football pyramid, Skool and Ante are hanging around at the bottom. But it looks like they're making moves, as Skool is just two games out of first in a very competitive division and Ante Up has a great roster on paper. Ante Up has been hit with a brutal schedule, with opponents averaging over 110 a game against them, but things have to get better, right?

Go Blue!

The CTDB Curse

After another stunning loss for the Jammers. GM Lei can only ask himself, "why me? why me?" This always seems to happen in CTDB. The year after you win a championship, you are destined to be one of the bottom teams the following year, regardless of how great your team is on paper.

With a team that has fantasy superstars Priest Holmes, Ahman Green, Michael Vick, Marvin Harrison, and the ever reliable Plaxico Burress, any fantasy GM would LOVE to have such a great core to build around. But unfortunately, the Jammers 1-5 slide continues. Will they even win another game this year? Or will they do the unthinkable and be worse than last year's Phreaks team? Only time will tell.

It might be too early, but perhaps it is time to rebuild. The Jammers have plenty of assets and could easily turn them into younger stars and draft picks. When asked if any changes would be made, GM Pan replied, "we're just hitting our stride. We're looking to win out and repeat as champions." An unnamed GM responded to this by saying, "doesn't he know about the curse? DAMN THAT CURSE!!!"

Parity in this league does exist, and what could be the greatest team one year, is just another bottom dweller the next. With the various salary cap restraints and what not, it is difficult to keep so many superstars. However great GM Pan's team is on paper, in the end, this game is played on the field.

Spunky Division

Might it be? A changing of the guard? A shift in the balance of power in the league? The last three seasons have produced an Inscrutable Drama Kings' champion. Can one of the Spunky Misunderstood Geniuses finally break the streak and win the big one? So far so good, with three of the Spunky Geniuses sporting gaudy 3-1 records.

Battle Angels (3-1)
It's the Curtis Martin show! Now acknowledged as "the most underrated back ever," Martin recently passed Thurman Thomas for 10th on the all time rushing list. Curtis who? Curtis of the combined 500 yards and 5 TDs, that's who. The Angels are flying high in the early going, with a stellar trio of Tom Brady, Randy Moss and Curtis Martin. The Angels have never experienced an early season surge like this (with three century games and one loss by only ten points) and they are hoping it doesn't stop. Even the early season injuries to Steve Smith and Julius Jones couldn't stop the Angels from jumping out to a division lead, as Warrick Dunn and Rod Smith have picked up the slack. With Warrick dinged up, could the Angels be crashing back to Earth soon? Let's hope not because team owner Vu Dinh is already reserving his Super Bowl tickets.

Philadelphia Phreaks (3-1)
Oh what a difference a year makes. Last year the Phreaks managed two wins, despite the prescence of superstar RBs Clinton Portis and Jamal Lewis. This year? The Phreaks already have three wins in a row and are chopping at the bit for more. While some of the wins haven't been pretty (both coming with the Phreaks scoring sub-80 for the week), a win is a win is a win. The early season success for the Phreaks can be attributed to one man, super QB Donovan McNabb, who has outscored the Phreaks second and third most productive players combined. While Portis and Lewis have been slow to get on the gravy train, third back Brian Westbrook has been a yardage sensation -- now if only he could get a few TDs. Young backs Tatum Bell and Kevin Jones have so far been non-factors, but they both have boatloads of promise. Now if only the same could be said of the receiving unit. The WR core has always been weak but at least Javon Walker has flashes of promise. With a re-surgent Terry Glenn and the flashy Deion Branch in tow, the Phreaks are 100% better on the edges than they were last year. The Phreak nation finally has something to cheer for: a winning record.

Green Team (3-1)
A team perpetually on the rise, is this finally Green Team's year? A 3-1 record might indicate that this team is finally learning how to win together, after a roster that has experienced little to no upheaval. The Jet connection of Chad Pennington and Santana Moss have been a little slow to catch on so the heavy lifting has been left up to new dual threat RB, Thomas Jones. Installed in the perfect offense for him, Jones looks like he's ready to be a top back this year. And the Green Team will need him because Travis Henry has been a bust so far, and Kevan Barlow hasn't quite become "the Bay Area's LT." In fact, the only player playing to his potential right now (outside of Jones) is Hines Ward, who is quietly going about another stellar season. TE Tony Gonzalez is having a decent season, even as the Chiefs' offense sputters. The continued success of this team will be dependent on Kevan Barlow or Travis Henry rounding out to mid-season form, otherwise the Green Team's early season success could dribble away.

Flaming Shrapnel (2-2)
Every year, one team suffers from having a horrific schedule, stumbling to an uneven season despite putting up all kinds of points. It looks like this might be the Shrapnel's lucky season. With 429 points scored (fourth best in the league), and never a game below 90, the Shrap should be winning a few games. Instead they have faced a schedule that has presented four straight 100+ opponents. But never fear, because GM Liao is positioning his team for a late season surge. Or he better be, since his entire bench is hurt (M Bennett, D Davis, A Boldin, B Lloyd). The Shrapnel have a good team on paper, blending a productive veteran WR corps (T Owens, E Moulds) with up and coming RB stars (C Brown, D Davis). But the dropoff after these four guys (and QB Marc Bulger) is huge. Do the names J Morton, T Carter or T Wheatley scare you? Didn't think so. It looks like the Flaming will just have to wait to ignite later in the season when stars like M Bennett and A Boldin can return to the field.

Skool (0-4)
When you have the hottest QB in the league, Daunte Culpepper, is there any reason you aren't winning games? Oh yeah, football is a team game. And Skool doesn't have much of a team right now. Stephen Davis, hurt. Deuce McAllister, hurt. Charlie Garner, out for the season. Skool's big name WRs haven't done much this season either, as Chad Johnson, Koren Robinson, Keyshawn Johnson and Peerless Price have combined for a whopping 88 pts on the season. That's 20 pts a week from the WR unit, not gonna cut it. Waiver wire addition Duce Staley will have to keep up his yardage numbers to give Daunte some support. However, this team is in big trouble unless star RBs Davis and Deuce can return to form very quickly.

Showdown

It has been an unusually quiet week here at Chunky Monkey headquarters as the Monkeys get set to take on their hated rival TE Jammers in CTDB's week three Game of the Week [GOTW].

When the Monkey and Jammers meet, the preceeding week is usually filled with an assortment of trash talk and verbal barbs between the players, coaches, and even the general managers. Recent references to the sexual orientation of Jammer members and to the weight issues inside the Monkey locker room have only heightened the tension between these bitter division rivals. Now that each sit at 1-1 and are both in need of this key victory, the stage is set for the biggest showdown thus far in the young 2004 season.

Monkey GM Shiue was unusually understated Monday, issuing only a short statement proclaiming that "this week is no different than any other" and that he "holds the Jammer organization in high regard." One anonymous CTDB GM, when told of Shiue's public comments, burst out laughing, saying, "That's just Shiue being Shiue and not wanting to give the Jammers and added motivation. Everyone in CTDB and their grandma knows how badly the Monkeys want this win - this is definitely not just any game. When you see them on Sunday, you'll see the real animosity between these two squads. Expect some fireworks."

Jammer GM Lei Pan was unavailable for comment for this story, but a source close to the Jammer team told Sportsline that "yeah, we wanna smash those guys [Chunky Monkeys] in the mouth, beat em up real good. I didn't tell you this, but the rumor in the locker room is that management is offering $50,000 to whoever puts a season ending hit on Peyton." Monkey phenom Ladanian Tomlinson commented on the remarks by saying, "They're a dirty team, so I'm not surprised at all. But me and Shaun will be ready to protect Peyton at all costs, so nobody here is worried. Tell 'em to bring it on, leave the talking to the reporters and come Sunday we'll see who's the best."

Of critical importance to both teams this week is the health of their RBs. Holmes for the Jammers and the Monkeys' Shaun Alexander are both coming off moderate injuries. While both are expected to play, it is unclear how much they will be able to contribute. In what can only be a positive for the Jammers, Alcorn State product Air McNair is reportedly dealing with a mildly sprained ankle. It is widely known that McNair does his best work when hurt - so the Monkey defense will definitely be tested by McNair and the Jammers' all-world WR Marvin Harrison. Look for a high scoring game, likely decided by a late touchdown from either Jerry Porter or Chris Chambers.

It's only Wednesday, folks, so stay tuned - the trash talking will undoubtedly only get worse before Sunday.

Tiki Leaves Town

The last starting member of the Dirty Birds craptastic team from last year has been cut. Yes fanboys and superfans, versatile RB Tiki Barber has been waived from the team that he joined late last season. With his departure from the team, all vestiges of the Dirty Birds dirty season has been cut, save for inconsistent WR Ashley Lelie.

To follow the convoluted path of how the Birds acquired Mr Barber, here is our trade tracker expert, Mel Kiper Sr. "It began with the innocent trade of M Vick, A Green and M Harrison for D Bledsoe, R Williams, J Horn and C Rogers. Soon after that trade, C Rogers was moved for M Bennett. Bennet was moved, along with A Boldin, for T Barber and I Hilliard. And now, Tiki is unceremoniously dumped by the Birds youth minded management."

So how does the "worst trade ever" stack up for the Birds? Almost a full year after the "huge mistake," Bledsoe was cut and Ricky Williams retired. J Horn was moved for young backs S Jackson, W McGahee and WR J McCareins earlier these season. C Rogers turned into M Bennett who turned into Tiki, who just got cut. So, less than two years past a championship core, the Birds have Jackson, McGahee and McCareins instead of Vick, Ahman and Marvin. Sounds fair doesn't it?

Just one week removed from an outstanding WK1 performance, Tiki was understandably upset about his lack of a job heading into WK2. "Last week I ran up and down the field, I broke big runs, I scored a TD, how can they cut me?" Vowing to never set foot in Deion Sanders Stadium ever again, Tiki stormed out from a meeting with GM Jon Yang. "Bastard, see what I do for an opposing team, this move just goes to prove how idiotic management has been for the past year. Retards!"

Asked by reporters why a trade wasn't pursued, GM Yang could only shrug and say, "There was no interest in Tiki, he's kind of washed up you know? And confidence around the league in him is not as high as it once was." This was a business decision, nothing more. We have a stable of young backs and receivers and as much as we needed veteran leadership, we couldn't part with any of our emerging talent. So, we wish Mr Barber the best of luck on his next team."

In other news, Donald Driver was also cut from the Birds roster. Not much uproar was caused. Driver left the building mumbling "They cut me for a defense? What? Who even needs a defense?" When informed that Tiki Barber was cut for a kicker, Driver smiled and said "Oh really? Well, i feel better now!"

In other other news, the Dirty Birds signed Natalie Portman, Kristin Kreuk, Scarlett Johannson and for good measure, Jennifer Connelly and Monica Belluci to be sideline reporters and personal assistants for the team president. "If we can't win a game this year, at least we'll have hot chicks on the field."