Juba's World

Things are a-brewin' in Santa Clara these days. In back to back shocking announcements, the venerable Flaming Shrapnel team has named a new GM - and rechristened itself. In the ultimate vote of confidence, team officials named Juba the new GM, and then promptly named the team after him.

"We're now the Fat Jubas," says team owner Eric Liao. "It's long overdue actually. Juba's been slowly taking control of all our properties, and he's just done a fantastic job. The Juba brand has just been phenomenal here. Plus he's unmatched in the negotiating room."

To attest to this, we talked to some recently signed players, and despite weighing in at seven pounds, it's clear Juba is no lightweight in this arena. "It's his eyes, man. That stare. You just know you're gonna blink first. And he's so.... green. That Benson kid [Cedric, the Jubas' first round draft pick], he held out for thirtysome days? Five minutes with the Juba. That's all it took."

A player who asked to remain unnamed had some rather unsavory details on the relationship between Liao and Juba. "Liao's been [Juba's] b*tch for years. I mean, I heard he feeds him, and even cleans his sh!t! That's just wrong man."

And of course, what Fat Juba article would be complete without a quote from its most colorful player, Terrell Owens: "That f%#&ing green bastard's the reason I don't have a new deal yet." Of course, when asked about reports that all Shrapnel merchandise had gone missing, Owens smiled and said, "That's right. eBay's paying my salary now!"