Super Bowl V

Here it is, another exciting season for Catch the Damn Ball league -- amazing, our SIXTH. We usher in a new champion, Eric of the Fat Jubas (formerly Flaming Shrapnel), who rose to the challenge and rode Shaun Alexander to a title. Eric becomes the first champion from the Spunky Misunderstood Geniuses division (after four straight wins by members of the Inscrutable Drama Kings). Also new to us this year is team owner Jimmy Wu, who has found some success on the basketball side of things, but is entering his first full season as a football coach. Welcome to the party Fobsters. And we give it up for Jon Chen, of the departed Skool franchise, for his many years of fine effort and participation.

Earlier this year, in a cosmic coincidence and a sign of things to come, team owners Jon, Evan, Eric, and Ping gathered in the Bay Area for a quick impromptu face-to-face greet-and-meet as well as...ahem...a Magic the Gathering tournament. During this time, it was established that we all suck at Magic but at least we know our football.

Moving right along, let's look at how last year's playoffs shook out:

Week 14
Eric defeated Ping (97-93)
Evan defeated Jon (94-74)
Jae and Greg on Byes

Week 15
Eric defeated Greg (94-84)
Evan defeated Jae (103-89)

Week 16
Eric defeated Evan (121-97)

Who will win it all next year? Who will be the underdog team that surprises us all? Stay tuned for the next episode of "So You Think You Can Play (Fantasy) Football?!?"

Article written August 10, 2006

Blockbuster!

CTDB Newswire - Santa Clara, September 12, 2005 --

In a short press release issued by the CTDB league wire, the Monkeys and the Jubas have announced that they have agreed to a deal that will see Shaun Alexander (RB) go to the Jubas in exchange for Terrell Owens (WR). The deal also includes a trade for picks in next year supplemental draft whereby the Jubas will surrender their second round draft selection in return for the Monkey's fifth round pick.

While the departure of Owens leaves a big hole in the Juba's receiver core, GM Eric finally has the franchise back he has been coveting for the past several years. "We will obviously miss TO and his leadership in the lockerroom but we believe that Shaun will give us that final piece of the puzzle for a championship run this year." Alexander had nearly 1700 yards along with 20 TDs last year -- unquestionably one of the top 2 runningbacks in the league.

For the Monkeys, the trade marks the first change to the Monkey's "triplets" of Manning, LT, and SA who have been together since the inaugural 2001 CTDB season. Tomlinson, a Monkey veteran who was a rookie back in the 2001 season, was visibly upset when notified of the trade. "Shaun has been here since year 1 and has been an integral part of our success. He's been a great teammate and I've learned a lot from him." Owens has also been part of the former Flaming Shrapnel franchise since the 2001 season and was not available for comment after being notified of the trade.

According to ESPN's John Clayton, "This trade really makes sense for both teams. Alexander is a legitimate #1 back for the Jubas and will give them a feature back for years to come. While Owens will leave a pretty big void, I believe that GM Liao has a couple options up his sleeve. I doubt that the Jubas are done in terms of trades. For the Monkeys, sources indicate that it was Evan that called up the Jubas exploring a possible trade after learning that Javon Walker would be out for the season. Shaun is a terrific talent but the one area that the Monkeys are deep at is the runningback position. With the emergence of Willie Parker and Larry Johnson, along with Kevan Barlow on the roster, the Monkeys should have sufficient talent to move forward this season. Owens is a top flight receiver and will help tremendously."

Return of the King

In a homecoming befitting a hero, WR Plaxico Burress returns to the Dirty Birds for a third stint. After being traded, waived, re-signed and ultimately traded again, Mr Burress is now looking for a permanent position on the Dirty Birds' roster.

During previous disagreements with the talented but mercurial Plexiglass (aka "Not The Real Thing") GM Yang had offered up the rivalry between a Michigan Wolverines man and a Michigan State Spartan as the reason for dissatisfaction with Mr Burress. Rumor has it however, that Plaxico made a pass at one of the Dirty Bird's stunning (male) cheerleaders, leading to his short time spent with the team two seasons ago.

GM Yang had this to say, "I believe in the redemptive powers of a new QB (eli), a new city (nyc), and ultimately, our desperation. I can hardly believe it myself that this player whom we've traded, hated, and lambasted in public, is now our best hope for a successful 2005 playoff campaign. Remember, Mr Burress was an integral part of our last championship season, and historically, this is our year. We welcome back Plaxico with open arms and hope that he can keep his trap shut and continue this year's resurgence."

Team sources would not reveal whether or not the Dirty Birds were working to acquire the other prominent members of that 2002 Championship team -- including stars such as Michael Vick, Ahman Green, Corey Dillon, Marvin Harrison, Chad Johnson, Koren Robinson, and the recently retired Jerry Rice. The only clue to the Bird's so-called "Armageddon" plan was a secret memo leaked to the public with the heading "If We Can Get Jerry Back, the rest will follow....."

The loss of Carnell "Broke Ass Caddy" Williams (via trade to the Fobsters) was no big blow to the Dirty Birds organization. In fact, the brittle Williams was almost shipped out the door for Hines Ward earlier in the season, however, the Chinese ownership of the Birds were hesitant to bring in a Korean, "even if he's only half." The throw-in of ex-Paris Hilton fling Jeremy Shockey was a welcome addition by subtraction.

Look for the Birds to make a push for the title, in this, their fated year. Despite trades that have netted little in the way of real productivity (that pre-draft Randy Moss trade isn't looking so hot now), and sub-par RBs like Jamal Lewis and Rudi Johnson, the Birds still have a stout running game, three great receivers, and the best QB in football, Mr Tom Brady (a Wolverine no less).

We totally unbiased and non-partisan members of the media select the Dirty Birds as our favorites for this year's upcoming championships.

How proud mom will be when the Birds hold aloft the trophy, again. Owner J Yang would like to send all of you a special message: "My ring size is an 8, thanks."

Power Shift

Conventional wisdom has for several seasons told us that CTDB's power teams have resided in the IDK division. The Monkey's "Triplets", the "fun n gun" Buffy teams always seemingly stood above their bretheren from the SMG division. However, the tide has clearly turned.

The 2005 season finds the top two teams in CTDB, Fat Jubas and Green Team, both hail from SMG. Not only do they sport the best win-loss records (5-1), they are also the two highest scoring teams in the league. What's more, SMG teams have also posted the league's high score in 4 out of the 6 weeks. The top dawgs from IDK - Buffy and the DBs (both 4-2), have also benefited from the easiest schedules in the league (504 and 481 points against), further suggesting that the IDK is not the powerhouse division that it once was. The icing on the cake is the inter-divisional record: 4-2 in favor of SMG.

CTDB analysts differ in their opinion of what precipitated the sudden shift in power. Some suggest that it is simply the odds evening out - as in, if you flip a coin enough, eventually you will get tails 50% of the time, no matter how many heads you got in a row to start out. Others support the 'Alexander' effect, that as Shaun Alexander switched divisions, so did the power - though it should be noted that Shaun didn't move to the SMG until the season was already underway and this also doesn't explain the meteoric rise of Green Team. Still others suggest that the power shift is a direct result of the inspirational leadership and play of the Phreak's Donovan McNabb who has not only stepped up his play on the field in 2005 but has also become a more vocal leader off the field (ok, we admit it, there's actually only one person who subscribes to this theory).

However no matter what the cause may be, one thing is clear - the Geniuses may be Misunderstood, but they are not to be misunderestimated.

Juba's World

Things are a-brewin' in Santa Clara these days. In back to back shocking announcements, the venerable Flaming Shrapnel team has named a new GM - and rechristened itself. In the ultimate vote of confidence, team officials named Juba the new GM, and then promptly named the team after him.

"We're now the Fat Jubas," says team owner Eric Liao. "It's long overdue actually. Juba's been slowly taking control of all our properties, and he's just done a fantastic job. The Juba brand has just been phenomenal here. Plus he's unmatched in the negotiating room."

To attest to this, we talked to some recently signed players, and despite weighing in at seven pounds, it's clear Juba is no lightweight in this arena. "It's his eyes, man. That stare. You just know you're gonna blink first. And he's so.... green. That Benson kid [Cedric, the Jubas' first round draft pick], he held out for thirtysome days? Five minutes with the Juba. That's all it took."

A player who asked to remain unnamed had some rather unsavory details on the relationship between Liao and Juba. "Liao's been [Juba's] b*tch for years. I mean, I heard he feeds him, and even cleans his sh!t! That's just wrong man."

And of course, what Fat Juba article would be complete without a quote from its most colorful player, Terrell Owens: "That f%#&ing green bastard's the reason I don't have a new deal yet." Of course, when asked about reports that all Shrapnel merchandise had gone missing, Owens smiled and said, "That's right. eBay's paying my salary now!"

Sky High?

How would you feel as a defense facing off against a lineup like this? Record setting Peyton Manning behind center. All world LaDainian Tomlinson and oh-so-close-to rushing champion Shaun Alexander in the backfield, both chomping at the bit and awaiting the ball. Then you look to your right and your left, and see 6-3, 220 lbs of muscle and speed; Javon Walker and Andre Johnson are on the edges, waiting to sprint past your secondary, your couches, your mascot and your cheerleaders on the way to the endzone. Then you look at the slot position, and see six foot TJ Houshmandzadeh, who's as hard on scrabble players as he is on mismatched nickel corners.

Think you have a chance to stop them? Think you have a chance to win?

The Chunky Monkeys, consistent contenders but always exposed as pretenders in the playoffs, are looking better than ever. The Monkeys aren't reloading as much as they are ready to set records. With a supplemental day draft that netted Javon Walker in a draft day trade, and pickups of young WRs Houshmandzadeh, speedster Donte Stallworth and TO's heir apparent Brandon Lloyd, Chunky's backups are better than most team's starters.

And should LT or Shaun go down to injury, intriguing Kevan Barlow is there. And if Priest Holmes goes down to injury (which we know he will), Larry Johnson will serve as a feature back.

The Monkeys are chock full of talent but feel the pressure of a fan base that has been anxiously awaiting a championship, or at least a Fantasy Bowl appearance. Coach Shiue realizes that he has, arguably, the top three fantasy picks in the land in Manning/LT/Alexander, as well as two of the best young WRs in the league.

What could possibly go wrong to derail the Chunky's season? In seasons past, everything and anything. Records and wins don't amount to much when the championship trophys are sitting on division rival's mantels. Inscrutable Drama Kings Buffy, Dirty Birds and the Tiiite Ends have each won championships -- two in Buffy's case -- in recent years. All without the benefit of a roster like the Monkeys.

We saw what TO did for the Eagles last season, will Javon do the same for the Monkeys? Only time will tell.

Keepers Announced, Big Trades!

In what has to be a banner day for the league, a flurry of trades preceded the keeper announcment deadline.

Long rumored to be shopping his wares, the Phreaks waited all summer for an offer he couldn't refuse. Finally, a mere twelve hours before the deadline was to pass, regular season dominators, the Chunky Monkeys, offered a 1st round pick for Javon Walker and a 4th rounder. The Phreaks were overstacked with keepers and had been looking to move so team management gathered during a bathroom break and quickly pulled the trigger.

Bam.

Javon Walker, one of the most promising WRs named Javon, was now a Monkey. Paired with a young Andre Johnson, Peyton Manning now has some stellar targets to throw to. Not to mention two studs (LT and S.Alexander) behind him in the backfield.

The Phreaks now own four of the top fifteen picks after all their wheeling and dealing. In what looks like a deep draft, the Phreaks are positioned to stock their roster with all star talent for a drive to the playoffs. No longer content to be average, the Phreaks are swinging for the fences this year.

As if this wasn't news enough, an unexpected, mano-el-mano, trade of Ahman Green for Joe Horn came an hour later. This mega-trade involved the past two CTDB champions, Buffy and Tiiite End Jammers. Looking to add some loud mouth to his aerial attack, the Jammers snatched up Joe Horn to complement the reticent Marvin Harrison. That's two of the top five WRs in the game people. And Ahman? He should bounce back after an off year, as Buffy is the place to go for disappointing players seeking championships (see: Corey Dillon 2004).

This would have been enough news for two months, but another trade dropped right before the deadline. In a cloak and dagger email negotiation, fantasy Randy Moss copied reality Randy Moss by switching from his long time team to a new one. The DIRTeByRDeeZ have been looking for a star WR since the loss of Marvin Harrison and here was the answer. The Battle Angels get back star-to-be Willis McGahee and deep threat Ashley Lelie to add some youth to his aging roster (C.Martin, M.Muhammed).

So, the first few weeks of this season will be incredibly interesting as owners and fans evaluate these last minute trades. Who got the better end of each deal? Only time will tell.

Fighters! To your corner!

Walker to Monkeys

A long night of negotiations conducted at an undisclosed location (rumored to be San Francisco's popular Betelnut restaurant) resulted in CTDB's first deal of 2005. Beating the keeper deadline by mere hours, Chunky Monkey GM Evan Shiue and Philadelphia Phreaks GM Ping Shen hammered out a deal that sees the Phreaks sending stud WR Javon Walker and the Phreaks 2005 4th round pick to the Monkeys in exchange for the Monkey's 2005 1st round pick.

Reached for comment from team headquarters, GM Shiue stated that, "Adding Javon to a team that already has the top 3 consensus draft picks this season is icing on the cake. Pure gravy baby. Better fit me for the ring now."

Phreaks GM Shen continued his long tradition of dealing non-keeper players for draft picks and he bid Walker farewell. "Javon is a tremendous talent and he makes the Monkeys a formidable team. However despite repeated attempts, no other GMs were willing to even step to the negotiating table with me. I credit Evan [Shiue] for having the foresight and daring to step up to the plate with his offer. We feel strongly now that we made the best decision for our team, and that our front-loaded draft will pay huge dividends both this year and for years to come."

An anonymous league source was not as pleased as Shiue and Shen, remarking, "This could make the Monkeys unbeatable. What was Shen thinking?" Surely this source didn't expect Shen to release Javon for nothing however, and ESPN analyst Tom Jackson agrees with the move, offering that, "Shen had to get something for Javon and a number one pick in a draft with this kind of talent is a great deal. Hey, if the other teams are pissed off, maybe they should have made an offer to the Phreaks. There are 6 teams out there that have higher 1st round picks than the Monkeys. They have no right to complain."