Super Bowl III

Playa Del Rey, CA --

Well, there was suspense but as jubilant Jammers fans celebrated their home team's CTDB Super Bowl victory on Tuesday, it was pretty apparent that the suspense wasn't really all that great. T-shirts were printed before the game had even started, victory mugs were being handed out on the streets. After all this was the same Jammer team that steamrolled its way to a 11-2 regular season, tops in the league. This was the same Jammer team that scored almost 1700 points this season in 15 games or 113 points per game, also good for first in the league. Fast forward to last week's championship game.

The cinderella Shrapnel, starting a team that was almost worse than the Bad News Bears, really stood no chance. The game was over before it started. Despite a lack of true passing attack, it really didn't matter - the Jammer backfield of Priest Holmes and Ahman Green combined for almost 700 total points this season. Marvelous Harrison also did his part by chipping in 217 points, good for the 5th best receiver so far this season. But thats all the team needed to dominate this league ... a little bit of passing and a whole LOT of running.

Jammer President, Lei Pan, in his first interview since his team's victory spoke to ESPN's Chris Berman. "This has been a great season for our fans and for our team. A whole lot of credit goes out to Ahman and PH. Those guys were unbelievable this season. Its certainly taken awhile but I must say it was worth the wait. We've been a good team for 3 straight years now but it takes a lot of good fortune as well to make it all work. We finally did it."

Former Charger quarterback, Sean Salisbury, broke down the Jammers' season: "The Jammer's unbelievable season can be directly attributed to two things: 1. Ahman Green and Priest Holmes and 2. Management and Coaching. There is no question that runningbacks are crucial to this league and the Jammers proved just that. The Jammers really had no viable passing game outside of Marvin Harrison and they absolutely dominated on the offensive side of the football. Outside of a handful of runningbacks including the Monkeys' Ladainian Tomlinson, Ahman and Priest are truly in a league of their own.

However, even more importantly, I believe the Jammers' success can be attributed even more to the team's management this season. The team made some great acquisitions, engineered some of the lopsided trades in the league's history and employed terrific play-calling this seasons. Weekly pickups of the various defenses have proved to be invaluable. The trade for Ahman, Mike Vick and Marvin will probably go down as one of the ridiculous trades in league history. And if you think about it, the Jammers did all this with Vick on the bench. How scary is that? Next season can be even worse for the rest of the league."

Tight Ends:
Sources close to the team told CTDB Insider that Pan was so jubilant about his team's victory that he invited his entire staff including his personal entourage of mathematicians, statisticians and financial analysts to his mansion on the California coast, otherwise known as the Palace of Pan. Heavily guarded in secrecy by numerous security gates, rumors indicate that the Palace of Pan dwarfs the neighboring Hearst Castle in both size and luxury. Filled with computers, computer games, dlp technologies, wall scrolls, magic cards, luxury vehicles, and nerdy chinese boys ... the place is heaven for geeks. Some of us are obviously more blessed than others.

Good win to the Jammers.

The Road to the Superbowl

Jammer CEO, Lei, rarely steps onto the field during practice but given that its SuperBowl week, the young executive couldn't resist. Pan was seen on the sideline going through the final playbook with his star runningbacks, Priest Holmes and Ahman Green. Holmes and Green are expected to be the feature weapons in this weekend's game against the Flaming Shrapnel. "Oh yeah, stakes are high. Our team has been awesome the past three years but this is still our first time to the big dance. AG and I, we've been doing drills and working on some new plays ... there will be some surprises this weekend and they ain't stupid sh*t like cell phone celebrations. Even the main man, LP (Pan), has come down from his office a couple times this week to watch us practice. He told me that if we're to win it all, we're winning it as a team...." said Holmes.

In anticipation of this week's game, we've gathered some of our thoughts as we preview this weekend's big game:

Quarterback: Word out of the Jammer camp is that Vick is questionable with a strained buttock. Inside sources indicate that Marc Bulger will be the likely starter this weekend and the fact that Bulger has taken the large majority of snaps with the first team offense this week during practice all but ensures his starter status. However, the news of the week here is the health of Shrapnel QB, Steve McNair. Team doctors are pessimistic and sources close to the team concede that it is highly unlikely that McNair will be able to play. If McNair sits out, the Shrapnel starter would then be Jake Delhomme. No offense to Jake, but he kinda sucks.
Advantage: Jammers

Runningback: Priest and AG. They're the first and third rated runningbacks this season. Its no secret that the key to the Jammer offense belongs in the hands of these two runners. According to ESPN's Chris Berman, "This team lives and dies by the running attack. If a defense is one day able to figure out a way to nullify these guys, then maybe ... maybe ... the Jammers can be stopped. But I doubt it. The only back better in the league is the Monkeys' LaDainian Tomlinson, aka SuperStud." The Shrapnels on the otherhand will be featuring Domanick Davis aka "Double D" and Thomas Jones aka "Bust". If it were Davis and Jones against Green, maybe that'd be fair but against both AG AND Priest? I doubt it.
Advantage: Jammers

Receivers: Well, this is the staple offense for the Shrapnels. Their offensive attack is run primarily through the hands of their star-studded receiver lineup which includes Terrell Owens, Quan Boldin the super rook, and J-Smitty. For the Jammers, the passing crew is handled by Marvelous Harrison and scrubs. M-Rob and Kevin Johnson combined are about as talented as Reche Caldwell. Future Hall-of-Fame receiver, Jerry Rice, in his pre-game interview was high on the Jammer receiving core though. "Its all about Marvin. He's the best receiver in the game today outside of a guy named Moss. I mean I like TO but he's a nut case. Quan is just a super long flash in the pan and it won't be long before the IRS discovers that J-Smitty is committing a felony by also collecting social security every month. Like I said, its all about Starvin' Marvin."
Advantage: Jammers

Special Teams: The Jammers didn't have the best record this season for nothing.
Advantage: Jammers

So who do we think will win the game? I mean we know the matchups but there are other factors including weather conditions, turf conditions, coin toss, ball boy capabilities, playbook depth that will all figure heavily into the final decision of this match and this is where the Shrapnel truly shines. The Shrapnel management team have done an excellent job in exploiting all the league loopholes, capitalizing on other teams' weaknesses, and scrutinizing matchups deficiencies. So given that, we say ....Shrapnel by 5.

Notes:
This year's game figures to be a big one. Pan will be flying his team of statisticians on a private jet for their entertainment and plans of a post-victory celebration have already begun. According to Pan, "Oh this won't be close. We'll dominate them. Our guys are just stronger, faster, and definitely smarter than their guys. Get ready to place your bets."

"Damn, some of the best backs in the league outside of LT and SA are gonna be here. Everyone will be watching." - Barry Sanders.

"Hell yeah, this is better than that Paris Hilton show or video or whatever." - Jon Yang, GM of the Dirty Birds.

"Well, the Heat and Pacers game will be on but I'll definitely Tivo this thing." - Evan Shiue, GM of the Monkeys.

"We don't get reception here in Shanghai but I fully exect Donovan to give me live updates via satellite phone." - Ping Shen, GM of the Phreaks.

Upsetville

Bang. That's it. The Monkeys left for dead. The Green Team on the brink of extinction. This game is glorious in some ways and lethal in others. For the Monkeys, its lethal only when it counts. Masters of the regular season, the Monkeys are making quite a name for themselves for their ability to wilt under pressure in every way possible. Monkey owner, Evan Shiue, in his weekly Monday morning press conference, told the media group, "Extremely extremely disappointed. Our team folded under pressure. We did not execute offensively and unfortunately, nearly 95% of this league is gonna be won on offense. This ain't the damn NFL." The departure marked the 3rd straight first round exit for the Monkeys. According to team captain, running back, LaDainian Tomlinson (the only Monkey player to remotely do anything positive), "I am totally disgusted with our performance. I saw some guys out there who looked like they didn't want to play period. I don't want to call out any names but guys like SA, Dbo, and Djax have got to step it up. Our passing game just wasn't there. Peyton struggled and AJ struggled in his second straight game. This is unacceptable."

On the other side of the river, another heavily favored team, the Green Team, is also on the cusp of being exterminated by the Flaming Shrapnel. They did all this despite a big fat 0 from starting running back, Domanick Davis. The Shrapnel only need 5 points by team kicker, Wilkins to tie and 6 to win. Considering the other 3 kickers that played this week averaged 11, this shouldn't be difficult. "Well the game isn't over quite yet but I wouldn't say we played well enought to win. I hope we win." said Green Team GM Ng.

Stanford upsets Kansas, USC getting shafted in all directions by the BCS, the Monkeys get upset, the Shrapnel on the brink of coming back from the depths of hell and the Chargers win!. What a weekend.

The Playoff Picture

As the final games of the regular season wrapped up on Monday, the players on the Shrapnel squad breathed a huge sigh of relief. Despite suffering through a devastating 25-point loss to divisional rivals, Green Team, the Shrapnels still found themselves in the playoff picture even with a sub .500 record. Here's a look at the upcoming playoff battles and who to bet on in the coming weeks.

Byes: Tiiiite End Jammers and Skool.
There was little suspense in the IDK division as the top playoff spots were basically wrapped up before the week began. The Jammers, not surprisingly, are the heavy favorites to take the crown this year. With the top two backs in the league with Ahman Green and Priest Holmes, the Jammers are rock solid. The return of Vick will make the Jammer team even more dangerous. In the SMG crowd, the picture was murkier. Skool knew it could lock up the top position with a first round bye by merely beating the lowly Phreaks in Week 13. They lost. However, Skool scored enough points to win the tie-breaker over Green Team. The team's leading receiver/psychic, Chad Johnson, told reporters, "The seeding is huge for us. A week's rest will be good for the team. I'm gonna play a lot of Madden and hang out with Coach Chen. Big D (McAllister) and Stevie (Davis) have been rock and I'm looking forward to the playoffs. We are the team to beat in this division and I promise you this .... we'll see you in the CTDB championships."

Ante Up at Chunky Monkeys
Unless you've been in Ethiopia the past two weeks, its wasn't hard to figure out this matchup. The high-powered Monkeys, coming off of a huge upset over the Jammers, are clearly the favorites in this one. Along with the Jammers, the Monkeys were one of only two teams to average over 100 points per contest this year while scoring nearly 110 points a week this season. Considering that the next best offense, Skool, only averaged 97 points per week, or 13 points less a week, there's a pretty big disparity between the Jammer/Monkey offenses and the rest of the league. However, Ante Up, won't just fold in this one. Ante Up features one of the most explosive starting lineups with Taylor and James in the backfield. The receiving corp features young gunners including Coles, Mason and K. Robinson and Trent Green as the signal caller. ESPN's Chris Berman broke down the matchup for the fans last night. "While Ante Up has an incredibly solid starting lineup, its hard to envision a Monkey loss at this point.

This year, the Monkeys have averaged an incredible 117 points a week when playing at home. Considering that Ante Up averages just over 95 points on the road, Ante Up is looking at a 22 average point differential this week. Couple that with the fact that the Monkeys have been peaking offensively the last two weeks (135 points per week the last two games), things could get ugly this week. The Monkeys traditionally have been a running team. While LT and Shaun have been solid this year (#3 and #6 respectively), the play of Manning and the Monkey receivers have been a big boost to this offense in recent week. The Monkeys also have the second best quarterback in the league on its bench. Oh, if only the Monkeys could play Matt Hasselbeck at the wide receiver position. Swami Sez: Monkeys by 15."

Flaming Shrapnel at Green Team
The fantasy gods smile once again upon the Shrapnel team. Despite a sloppy regular season, the Shrapnel team somehow stumbled their way into the playoffs with a sub .500 record. However, all is not ugly for GM Liao and his rag tag team. A sneaky trade for McNair, the discovery of super rook back, Domanick Davis and the rise of super senior citizen, Jimmy Smith have proved to be genius.

Green Team, on the other hand, have rumbled into the second slot after going 6-1 in its last 7 games. Featuring a young backfield of Kevan Barlow and Travis Henry, the Green Team is looking to go to its first divisional championship game ever. Berman was less sure about this matchup. "The one true weakness on the Green Team is its lack of depth. Tony G is solid as solid gets but they have no warm bodies on the bench with Rogers out for the season. The team will be relying on Henry and Barlow to carry a huge part of the offensive load. On the other side of the field, the Shrapnel team will be looking to throw and will throw it often. TO, J Smitty and Quan are probably one of the best receiving cores outside of Ante. With McNair at the helm, this is one dangerous team. Defenses must also now scheme for super rookie back, Double D, and we ain't talking about women. Davis has been rock solid this year and is easily considered a favorite to win the ROY award. The offense is underrated and if it puts it together on the field, watch out. This matchup will be very interesting and a upset could be in the making. Swami Sez: Shrapnel by 5."

Nuts and Bolts
The Phreaks finally won its second game of the season after losing 11 straight losses. Phreaks GM, Ping Shen, told reporters Tuesday, after its victory over Skool, "Well, this isn't what our organization expected but I feel that that we're gonna have a pretty good core going into next year. We've been able to secure a few extra picks in next year's draft and hopefully, that'll help us turn things around. There will be changes to this rosters and I promise the Phreaks fans that things are gonna get better and the future will definitely be brighter."

CTDB has agreed to sponsor a consolation game between the Angels and Buffy. While having no impact on their seasonal standings, the two teams, in conjunction with the league office, agreed to scrimmage match for charity. The game will be officiated by local celebrities including Michael Jackson, Madonna, and GM Roger's favorite, Sarah Michelle Gellar. Tickets, for some strange reason, are selling at record low levels.