With the foresight of Rasputin and the voice of Jennifer Love, GM Yang today announced his keeper list....nine months early. Incredible!!! Not one returning player from last year will be kept. Ricky Williams? Trash. Tiki Barber? Trash identical. Joe Horn? Who you calling daddy? Plaxico? Michigan State, you ain't shit, please. The new keeper five for the Dirty Birds will be, in no particular order: Jamal Anderson, Andre Rison, Deion Sanders, MC Hammer and Christian Okoye.The question most people might ask is, "Isn't this a keeper league for future and current stars? These guys sound kind of old don't they? And isn't MC Hammer now know only as Hammer?" To prove the doubters wrong, The Home Depot store on Atlanta's Main Street was opened to the public as a workout/concert was underway to showcase the talents of these five venerable veterans. In explaining the philosophy behind this sure to be wildly successful move, GM Yang had this to say.
"What we needed in here was some fans in seats. After the worst trade ever in the galaxial universe and beyond, we felt we needed to move for some big names. Some exciting stars of the past, you can never go wrong with hindsight right?. In Madden '94, we exclusively threw to Andre Rison and Michael Haynes on slants and deep posts and we never lost a game. We had to get Bad Moon, especially after Left Eye left his physical universe, he's been kinda down lately. Jamal Anderson was the big thighed inspiration for our name and the secret father of Beyonce Knowles-Anderson. Plus we think he dances better than her anyway. We needed to get him up in this. And what can you say about Deion? He's the best two way player there ever was (yes guys, that means he likes you too!). And now that he's an almost coach and a semi-believable preacher, we will have god, the x's, and the o's on our side. Unbelievable. The addition of Hammer was purely for pity's sake. He was always stalking the sidelines in the mid-90s and we feel like those big pants of his are really going to come back. He's always been 2 legit 2 quit and we want to show our city that we too are "too legit." Hammer will be our new triple threat quarterback. He will dance, sing and make popcorn. Get ready.But really, the real genius behind this deal is the signing of Christian Okoye. Many of you may not remember him but he was a super back for much of the late 80s and the early 90s. He made the Bus look like a Bug, check out the pads. While Mr Okoye has been admittedly out of shape for much of the past decade, his English has improved remarkably. He's up to two syllable words and his conversations sometimes last past three seconds. Anyone with the nickname "The Nigerian Nightmare" deserves to be given a second chance in the league. We at Dirty Bird Co are all about second chances (hi Corey Dillon). We had the soft running depression ridden Ricky Williams last year and the fumble often Tiki so we figured we might as well get the Nightmare and the Dirty Bird in here to cause some ruckus."
Trev Alberts of ESPN fame had this to say about this stunning turn of events. "Well, it looks like this could soon be a dynasty in the making. Like Isiah with a prayer, GM Yang has moved to ensure his spot in the GM hall of fame. With championships sewn up from here till the next century, this solid nucleus of five will dominate like Death and never give up like Taxes. How're you gonna defend this? Deion speeding down the sideline on a go route, Andre on a quituple cut post route, Jamal dancing out of the backfield, Christian blowing up linebackers like Nigerians blow up food lines. All this with Hammer slanging the rock. Yeah Hammer, don't hurt'em."Michael Vick was contacted to be a keeper but so far the Birds have been unable to snatch him away from the newly crowned champions of the world, the Tite End Jammers. And to that we say "Michael Vick and Lei Pan, watch out for Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly (join his "Free Jeff in 2006" campaign). We know where you live."
Seasons 2004-2100?, it's already in the history books. Go home to your mommy.
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