Super Bowl V

Here it is, another exciting season for Catch the Damn Ball league -- amazing, our SIXTH. We usher in a new champion, Eric of the Fat Jubas (formerly Flaming Shrapnel), who rose to the challenge and rode Shaun Alexander to a title. Eric becomes the first champion from the Spunky Misunderstood Geniuses division (after four straight wins by members of the Inscrutable Drama Kings). Also new to us this year is team owner Jimmy Wu, who has found some success on the basketball side of things, but is entering his first full season as a football coach. Welcome to the party Fobsters. And we give it up for Jon Chen, of the departed Skool franchise, for his many years of fine effort and participation.

Earlier this year, in a cosmic coincidence and a sign of things to come, team owners Jon, Evan, Eric, and Ping gathered in the Bay Area for a quick impromptu face-to-face greet-and-meet as well as...ahem...a Magic the Gathering tournament. During this time, it was established that we all suck at Magic but at least we know our football.

Moving right along, let's look at how last year's playoffs shook out:

Week 14
Eric defeated Ping (97-93)
Evan defeated Jon (94-74)
Jae and Greg on Byes

Week 15
Eric defeated Greg (94-84)
Evan defeated Jae (103-89)

Week 16
Eric defeated Evan (121-97)

Who will win it all next year? Who will be the underdog team that surprises us all? Stay tuned for the next episode of "So You Think You Can Play (Fantasy) Football?!?"

Article written August 10, 2006

Blockbuster!

CTDB Newswire - Santa Clara, September 12, 2005 --

In a short press release issued by the CTDB league wire, the Monkeys and the Jubas have announced that they have agreed to a deal that will see Shaun Alexander (RB) go to the Jubas in exchange for Terrell Owens (WR). The deal also includes a trade for picks in next year supplemental draft whereby the Jubas will surrender their second round draft selection in return for the Monkey's fifth round pick.

While the departure of Owens leaves a big hole in the Juba's receiver core, GM Eric finally has the franchise back he has been coveting for the past several years. "We will obviously miss TO and his leadership in the lockerroom but we believe that Shaun will give us that final piece of the puzzle for a championship run this year." Alexander had nearly 1700 yards along with 20 TDs last year -- unquestionably one of the top 2 runningbacks in the league.

For the Monkeys, the trade marks the first change to the Monkey's "triplets" of Manning, LT, and SA who have been together since the inaugural 2001 CTDB season. Tomlinson, a Monkey veteran who was a rookie back in the 2001 season, was visibly upset when notified of the trade. "Shaun has been here since year 1 and has been an integral part of our success. He's been a great teammate and I've learned a lot from him." Owens has also been part of the former Flaming Shrapnel franchise since the 2001 season and was not available for comment after being notified of the trade.

According to ESPN's John Clayton, "This trade really makes sense for both teams. Alexander is a legitimate #1 back for the Jubas and will give them a feature back for years to come. While Owens will leave a pretty big void, I believe that GM Liao has a couple options up his sleeve. I doubt that the Jubas are done in terms of trades. For the Monkeys, sources indicate that it was Evan that called up the Jubas exploring a possible trade after learning that Javon Walker would be out for the season. Shaun is a terrific talent but the one area that the Monkeys are deep at is the runningback position. With the emergence of Willie Parker and Larry Johnson, along with Kevan Barlow on the roster, the Monkeys should have sufficient talent to move forward this season. Owens is a top flight receiver and will help tremendously."

Return of the King

In a homecoming befitting a hero, WR Plaxico Burress returns to the Dirty Birds for a third stint. After being traded, waived, re-signed and ultimately traded again, Mr Burress is now looking for a permanent position on the Dirty Birds' roster.

During previous disagreements with the talented but mercurial Plexiglass (aka "Not The Real Thing") GM Yang had offered up the rivalry between a Michigan Wolverines man and a Michigan State Spartan as the reason for dissatisfaction with Mr Burress. Rumor has it however, that Plaxico made a pass at one of the Dirty Bird's stunning (male) cheerleaders, leading to his short time spent with the team two seasons ago.

GM Yang had this to say, "I believe in the redemptive powers of a new QB (eli), a new city (nyc), and ultimately, our desperation. I can hardly believe it myself that this player whom we've traded, hated, and lambasted in public, is now our best hope for a successful 2005 playoff campaign. Remember, Mr Burress was an integral part of our last championship season, and historically, this is our year. We welcome back Plaxico with open arms and hope that he can keep his trap shut and continue this year's resurgence."

Team sources would not reveal whether or not the Dirty Birds were working to acquire the other prominent members of that 2002 Championship team -- including stars such as Michael Vick, Ahman Green, Corey Dillon, Marvin Harrison, Chad Johnson, Koren Robinson, and the recently retired Jerry Rice. The only clue to the Bird's so-called "Armageddon" plan was a secret memo leaked to the public with the heading "If We Can Get Jerry Back, the rest will follow....."

The loss of Carnell "Broke Ass Caddy" Williams (via trade to the Fobsters) was no big blow to the Dirty Birds organization. In fact, the brittle Williams was almost shipped out the door for Hines Ward earlier in the season, however, the Chinese ownership of the Birds were hesitant to bring in a Korean, "even if he's only half." The throw-in of ex-Paris Hilton fling Jeremy Shockey was a welcome addition by subtraction.

Look for the Birds to make a push for the title, in this, their fated year. Despite trades that have netted little in the way of real productivity (that pre-draft Randy Moss trade isn't looking so hot now), and sub-par RBs like Jamal Lewis and Rudi Johnson, the Birds still have a stout running game, three great receivers, and the best QB in football, Mr Tom Brady (a Wolverine no less).

We totally unbiased and non-partisan members of the media select the Dirty Birds as our favorites for this year's upcoming championships.

How proud mom will be when the Birds hold aloft the trophy, again. Owner J Yang would like to send all of you a special message: "My ring size is an 8, thanks."

Power Shift

Conventional wisdom has for several seasons told us that CTDB's power teams have resided in the IDK division. The Monkey's "Triplets", the "fun n gun" Buffy teams always seemingly stood above their bretheren from the SMG division. However, the tide has clearly turned.

The 2005 season finds the top two teams in CTDB, Fat Jubas and Green Team, both hail from SMG. Not only do they sport the best win-loss records (5-1), they are also the two highest scoring teams in the league. What's more, SMG teams have also posted the league's high score in 4 out of the 6 weeks. The top dawgs from IDK - Buffy and the DBs (both 4-2), have also benefited from the easiest schedules in the league (504 and 481 points against), further suggesting that the IDK is not the powerhouse division that it once was. The icing on the cake is the inter-divisional record: 4-2 in favor of SMG.

CTDB analysts differ in their opinion of what precipitated the sudden shift in power. Some suggest that it is simply the odds evening out - as in, if you flip a coin enough, eventually you will get tails 50% of the time, no matter how many heads you got in a row to start out. Others support the 'Alexander' effect, that as Shaun Alexander switched divisions, so did the power - though it should be noted that Shaun didn't move to the SMG until the season was already underway and this also doesn't explain the meteoric rise of Green Team. Still others suggest that the power shift is a direct result of the inspirational leadership and play of the Phreak's Donovan McNabb who has not only stepped up his play on the field in 2005 but has also become a more vocal leader off the field (ok, we admit it, there's actually only one person who subscribes to this theory).

However no matter what the cause may be, one thing is clear - the Geniuses may be Misunderstood, but they are not to be misunderestimated.

Juba's World

Things are a-brewin' in Santa Clara these days. In back to back shocking announcements, the venerable Flaming Shrapnel team has named a new GM - and rechristened itself. In the ultimate vote of confidence, team officials named Juba the new GM, and then promptly named the team after him.

"We're now the Fat Jubas," says team owner Eric Liao. "It's long overdue actually. Juba's been slowly taking control of all our properties, and he's just done a fantastic job. The Juba brand has just been phenomenal here. Plus he's unmatched in the negotiating room."

To attest to this, we talked to some recently signed players, and despite weighing in at seven pounds, it's clear Juba is no lightweight in this arena. "It's his eyes, man. That stare. You just know you're gonna blink first. And he's so.... green. That Benson kid [Cedric, the Jubas' first round draft pick], he held out for thirtysome days? Five minutes with the Juba. That's all it took."

A player who asked to remain unnamed had some rather unsavory details on the relationship between Liao and Juba. "Liao's been [Juba's] b*tch for years. I mean, I heard he feeds him, and even cleans his sh!t! That's just wrong man."

And of course, what Fat Juba article would be complete without a quote from its most colorful player, Terrell Owens: "That f%#&ing green bastard's the reason I don't have a new deal yet." Of course, when asked about reports that all Shrapnel merchandise had gone missing, Owens smiled and said, "That's right. eBay's paying my salary now!"