The CTDB Curse

After another stunning loss for the Jammers. GM Lei can only ask himself, "why me? why me?" This always seems to happen in CTDB. The year after you win a championship, you are destined to be one of the bottom teams the following year, regardless of how great your team is on paper.

With a team that has fantasy superstars Priest Holmes, Ahman Green, Michael Vick, Marvin Harrison, and the ever reliable Plaxico Burress, any fantasy GM would LOVE to have such a great core to build around. But unfortunately, the Jammers 1-5 slide continues. Will they even win another game this year? Or will they do the unthinkable and be worse than last year's Phreaks team? Only time will tell.

It might be too early, but perhaps it is time to rebuild. The Jammers have plenty of assets and could easily turn them into younger stars and draft picks. When asked if any changes would be made, GM Pan replied, "we're just hitting our stride. We're looking to win out and repeat as champions." An unnamed GM responded to this by saying, "doesn't he know about the curse? DAMN THAT CURSE!!!"

Parity in this league does exist, and what could be the greatest team one year, is just another bottom dweller the next. With the various salary cap restraints and what not, it is difficult to keep so many superstars. However great GM Pan's team is on paper, in the end, this game is played on the field.

Spunky Division

Might it be? A changing of the guard? A shift in the balance of power in the league? The last three seasons have produced an Inscrutable Drama Kings' champion. Can one of the Spunky Misunderstood Geniuses finally break the streak and win the big one? So far so good, with three of the Spunky Geniuses sporting gaudy 3-1 records.

Battle Angels (3-1)
It's the Curtis Martin show! Now acknowledged as "the most underrated back ever," Martin recently passed Thurman Thomas for 10th on the all time rushing list. Curtis who? Curtis of the combined 500 yards and 5 TDs, that's who. The Angels are flying high in the early going, with a stellar trio of Tom Brady, Randy Moss and Curtis Martin. The Angels have never experienced an early season surge like this (with three century games and one loss by only ten points) and they are hoping it doesn't stop. Even the early season injuries to Steve Smith and Julius Jones couldn't stop the Angels from jumping out to a division lead, as Warrick Dunn and Rod Smith have picked up the slack. With Warrick dinged up, could the Angels be crashing back to Earth soon? Let's hope not because team owner Vu Dinh is already reserving his Super Bowl tickets.

Philadelphia Phreaks (3-1)
Oh what a difference a year makes. Last year the Phreaks managed two wins, despite the prescence of superstar RBs Clinton Portis and Jamal Lewis. This year? The Phreaks already have three wins in a row and are chopping at the bit for more. While some of the wins haven't been pretty (both coming with the Phreaks scoring sub-80 for the week), a win is a win is a win. The early season success for the Phreaks can be attributed to one man, super QB Donovan McNabb, who has outscored the Phreaks second and third most productive players combined. While Portis and Lewis have been slow to get on the gravy train, third back Brian Westbrook has been a yardage sensation -- now if only he could get a few TDs. Young backs Tatum Bell and Kevin Jones have so far been non-factors, but they both have boatloads of promise. Now if only the same could be said of the receiving unit. The WR core has always been weak but at least Javon Walker has flashes of promise. With a re-surgent Terry Glenn and the flashy Deion Branch in tow, the Phreaks are 100% better on the edges than they were last year. The Phreak nation finally has something to cheer for: a winning record.

Green Team (3-1)
A team perpetually on the rise, is this finally Green Team's year? A 3-1 record might indicate that this team is finally learning how to win together, after a roster that has experienced little to no upheaval. The Jet connection of Chad Pennington and Santana Moss have been a little slow to catch on so the heavy lifting has been left up to new dual threat RB, Thomas Jones. Installed in the perfect offense for him, Jones looks like he's ready to be a top back this year. And the Green Team will need him because Travis Henry has been a bust so far, and Kevan Barlow hasn't quite become "the Bay Area's LT." In fact, the only player playing to his potential right now (outside of Jones) is Hines Ward, who is quietly going about another stellar season. TE Tony Gonzalez is having a decent season, even as the Chiefs' offense sputters. The continued success of this team will be dependent on Kevan Barlow or Travis Henry rounding out to mid-season form, otherwise the Green Team's early season success could dribble away.

Flaming Shrapnel (2-2)
Every year, one team suffers from having a horrific schedule, stumbling to an uneven season despite putting up all kinds of points. It looks like this might be the Shrapnel's lucky season. With 429 points scored (fourth best in the league), and never a game below 90, the Shrap should be winning a few games. Instead they have faced a schedule that has presented four straight 100+ opponents. But never fear, because GM Liao is positioning his team for a late season surge. Or he better be, since his entire bench is hurt (M Bennett, D Davis, A Boldin, B Lloyd). The Shrapnel have a good team on paper, blending a productive veteran WR corps (T Owens, E Moulds) with up and coming RB stars (C Brown, D Davis). But the dropoff after these four guys (and QB Marc Bulger) is huge. Do the names J Morton, T Carter or T Wheatley scare you? Didn't think so. It looks like the Flaming will just have to wait to ignite later in the season when stars like M Bennett and A Boldin can return to the field.

Skool (0-4)
When you have the hottest QB in the league, Daunte Culpepper, is there any reason you aren't winning games? Oh yeah, football is a team game. And Skool doesn't have much of a team right now. Stephen Davis, hurt. Deuce McAllister, hurt. Charlie Garner, out for the season. Skool's big name WRs haven't done much this season either, as Chad Johnson, Koren Robinson, Keyshawn Johnson and Peerless Price have combined for a whopping 88 pts on the season. That's 20 pts a week from the WR unit, not gonna cut it. Waiver wire addition Duce Staley will have to keep up his yardage numbers to give Daunte some support. However, this team is in big trouble unless star RBs Davis and Deuce can return to form very quickly.

Showdown

It has been an unusually quiet week here at Chunky Monkey headquarters as the Monkeys get set to take on their hated rival TE Jammers in CTDB's week three Game of the Week [GOTW].

When the Monkey and Jammers meet, the preceeding week is usually filled with an assortment of trash talk and verbal barbs between the players, coaches, and even the general managers. Recent references to the sexual orientation of Jammer members and to the weight issues inside the Monkey locker room have only heightened the tension between these bitter division rivals. Now that each sit at 1-1 and are both in need of this key victory, the stage is set for the biggest showdown thus far in the young 2004 season.

Monkey GM Shiue was unusually understated Monday, issuing only a short statement proclaiming that "this week is no different than any other" and that he "holds the Jammer organization in high regard." One anonymous CTDB GM, when told of Shiue's public comments, burst out laughing, saying, "That's just Shiue being Shiue and not wanting to give the Jammers and added motivation. Everyone in CTDB and their grandma knows how badly the Monkeys want this win - this is definitely not just any game. When you see them on Sunday, you'll see the real animosity between these two squads. Expect some fireworks."

Jammer GM Lei Pan was unavailable for comment for this story, but a source close to the Jammer team told Sportsline that "yeah, we wanna smash those guys [Chunky Monkeys] in the mouth, beat em up real good. I didn't tell you this, but the rumor in the locker room is that management is offering $50,000 to whoever puts a season ending hit on Peyton." Monkey phenom Ladanian Tomlinson commented on the remarks by saying, "They're a dirty team, so I'm not surprised at all. But me and Shaun will be ready to protect Peyton at all costs, so nobody here is worried. Tell 'em to bring it on, leave the talking to the reporters and come Sunday we'll see who's the best."

Of critical importance to both teams this week is the health of their RBs. Holmes for the Jammers and the Monkeys' Shaun Alexander are both coming off moderate injuries. While both are expected to play, it is unclear how much they will be able to contribute. In what can only be a positive for the Jammers, Alcorn State product Air McNair is reportedly dealing with a mildly sprained ankle. It is widely known that McNair does his best work when hurt - so the Monkey defense will definitely be tested by McNair and the Jammers' all-world WR Marvin Harrison. Look for a high scoring game, likely decided by a late touchdown from either Jerry Porter or Chris Chambers.

It's only Wednesday, folks, so stay tuned - the trash talking will undoubtedly only get worse before Sunday.

Tiki Leaves Town

The last starting member of the Dirty Birds craptastic team from last year has been cut. Yes fanboys and superfans, versatile RB Tiki Barber has been waived from the team that he joined late last season. With his departure from the team, all vestiges of the Dirty Birds dirty season has been cut, save for inconsistent WR Ashley Lelie.

To follow the convoluted path of how the Birds acquired Mr Barber, here is our trade tracker expert, Mel Kiper Sr. "It began with the innocent trade of M Vick, A Green and M Harrison for D Bledsoe, R Williams, J Horn and C Rogers. Soon after that trade, C Rogers was moved for M Bennett. Bennet was moved, along with A Boldin, for T Barber and I Hilliard. And now, Tiki is unceremoniously dumped by the Birds youth minded management."

So how does the "worst trade ever" stack up for the Birds? Almost a full year after the "huge mistake," Bledsoe was cut and Ricky Williams retired. J Horn was moved for young backs S Jackson, W McGahee and WR J McCareins earlier these season. C Rogers turned into M Bennett who turned into Tiki, who just got cut. So, less than two years past a championship core, the Birds have Jackson, McGahee and McCareins instead of Vick, Ahman and Marvin. Sounds fair doesn't it?

Just one week removed from an outstanding WK1 performance, Tiki was understandably upset about his lack of a job heading into WK2. "Last week I ran up and down the field, I broke big runs, I scored a TD, how can they cut me?" Vowing to never set foot in Deion Sanders Stadium ever again, Tiki stormed out from a meeting with GM Jon Yang. "Bastard, see what I do for an opposing team, this move just goes to prove how idiotic management has been for the past year. Retards!"

Asked by reporters why a trade wasn't pursued, GM Yang could only shrug and say, "There was no interest in Tiki, he's kind of washed up you know? And confidence around the league in him is not as high as it once was." This was a business decision, nothing more. We have a stable of young backs and receivers and as much as we needed veteran leadership, we couldn't part with any of our emerging talent. So, we wish Mr Barber the best of luck on his next team."

In other news, Donald Driver was also cut from the Birds roster. Not much uproar was caused. Driver left the building mumbling "They cut me for a defense? What? Who even needs a defense?" When informed that Tiki Barber was cut for a kicker, Driver smiled and said "Oh really? Well, i feel better now!"

In other other news, the Dirty Birds signed Natalie Portman, Kristin Kreuk, Scarlett Johannson and for good measure, Jennifer Connelly and Monica Belluci to be sideline reporters and personal assistants for the team president. "If we can't win a game this year, at least we'll have hot chicks on the field."

8 Questions

Shanghai, China - June 8, 2004

With the 2004 CTDB season just around the corner, we here in the commissioner's office thought we'd take a look at 8 burning preseason questions for the upcoming season -

1) Are the Battle Angels planning on going with the empty backfield approach?
We feel this is pertinent when the best running back on the roster is one Eddie George - yeah, the same guy who was supposed to be released on June 1, and the guy who is now engaged in discussions with management about a pay cut. Even if he plays, let's not forget it's the same guy who has struggled to average 3 yards a carry for the past few years. After Eddie? There's the 55 year old Curtis Martin who looks like he's a better fit for the AARP than for the end zone. Moe Williams and Warrick Dunn round out the RB core, two injury-prone guys who are currently slated to be on the short end of a runningback-by-committe platoon. For the Angels, there's always the draft, where stud rookies and quality #2 RBs await.

2) Are the Chunky Monkeys just CTDB's version of the NBA's Sacramento Kings?
That is, an extremely talented team that always seems ready to go the distance but ends up being a bigger tease than that underclassman you took to the senior prom. Let's face it, with a roster sporting the likes of Ladanian Tomlinson, Shaun Alexander, Peyton Manning, Darrell Jackson and David Boston, our sights were set high. But again, the Monkeys succeeded in convincing everyone that they were ready to go the distance - LT routinely ripped off 75 yard screen passes for TDs, Shaun Alexander figured out how to not score all of his TDs in one half and to spread them around, David Boston actually played, Darrell Jackson caught fire, and Peyton Manning was, well, Peyton Manning. Maybe it's something in the water at Monkey Headquarters, maybe it's the management. We just don't know. But we figure that like the King's Maloof brothers, it's only a matter of time before Monkey management realizes something needs to be done and shakes things up.

3) Is Shrapnel GM Eric-L really planning on stepping in and playing QB himself?
We were reluctant at first to give credence to these rumors flying around about Mr. Liao taking snaps behind center, but when we looked at the Shrapnel roster, we realized he might not be kidding. A late season trade for Steve "I finally missed a game because of injury" McNair looks to be a stop-gap measure for last year's playoffs instead of the long term answer, and Tommy Maddox's bumpy 2003 campaign leaves us wondering if Shrapnel will once again be the only team to enter the draft without a signal caller. With 5 solid keepers to be had in the Shrapnel RB and WR ranks, it's not hard to envision. However, heading into the season with Joey Harrington at the helm might be even harder to envision.

4) What's the over-under on the Phreaks' win total at the end of 2004? 1? 2?
Seriously, after a sterling 2-11 2003 campaign, do the Phreak players even believe they can win a game anymore? Sure, there was the credible explanation of the league's toughest schedule, but 2-11 has to be damaging to anyone's psyche - anyone not named "robocop" anyways. It would be beating a dead horse to say that the Phreaks need help at WR - with top 5 talent at the QB, RB1, and RB2 positions, it's difficult to see how this team struggled so mightily last season. Then you realize that the Phreaks last year lost games by scores like 109 - 106, 123 - 102, 108 - 95, and 115 - 91, and you see how it's possible. We've been over this before, but it bears repeating - during the 2003 regular season, Phreak opponents averaged 11 points more against them than against Flaming Shrapnel. 11 points - that's like playing 10 on 11 every week. No wonder. Compared to the Monkeys, who faced the league's second toughest schedule, Phreak opponents averaged 5.2 more points - that's like playing against an extra kicker every week. So, with a little help from lady luck, and perhaps a wide receiver or two, the Phreaks could be poised for a dramatic reversal of fortune in 2004.

5) How many games will Michael Vick last in 2004?
The guess here is less than or equal to 10. Don't get us wrong, we love the guy and the world of athleticism he brings to the QB position. But let's face facts, the guy's not yet a refined quarterback - and who doesn't cringe when Vick gets blindsided by an enraged, 250-pound 'backer as he gallops down the field. Hey Michael - one word of advice: "SLIDE!" Unless he settles down in the pocket and/or learns how to slide to avoid some of those nasty hits he takes, Vick's career is going to be a short one.

6) Who's got the best keeper core of RBs heading into 2004?
[Notice we said "keeper core," so yes, age is a factor]
Several teams immediately come to mind - there's the aforementioned combo of Portis and Lewis in Philadelphia, the Monkey's pairing of Tomlinson and Alexander, Ahman Green and Priest Holmes in Jammer land, Fragile Freddy and Edge for Ante Up. For age and injury concerns, however, we eliminate TE Jammers (Holmes) and Ante Up (Fred Taylor). Which leaves us with the Phreaks and the Monkeys. To us, choosing between Portis and Lewis and Tomlinson and Alexander is like choosing between Eva Mendes and Salma Hayek - while you have arguments for or against either one, at the end of the day, you'd be pretty damned happy to be going home with either one of them. So let's look at depth - the 3rd RB on the Monkey roster is Marcel Shipp. Shipp is penciled in as the starter this year in Arizona, though we note that he is playing with an unproven QB and that he did not score a TD last season despite rushing for over 800 yards. The Phreaks sport Brian Westbrook at RB3. Westbrook, the versatile speedster from Villanova posted 945 combined yards last year and 11 TDs - now sharing time with only Correll Buckhalter instead of Buckhalter and Staley, we see only upside to Westbrook's numbers. However, in total, due to slight questions about Westbrook's durability (he missed one game last year due to a triceps injury), and due to Jamal Lewis' ongoing struggles with the law, we call this one a draw between the Phreaks and Monkeys.

7) Who's going to be the surprise team of 2004?
We'd say that the Phreaks have the best chance of posting a last-to-first type story this season, but we wouldn't really be surprised at that. So, we give this one to the DIRTeByRDeez. The DBs finished last season last in their division with a 5-8 record. While the trade of M. Vick leaves them with an apparent hole at QB, we are extremely high on the young Byron Leftwich. Leftwich has reportedly worked very hard this offseason to learn the playbook and develop timing and chemistry with his wide receivers. Corey Dillon, finishing last season on the bench for the Bengals (that one's gotta hurt), finds himself in New England with a chance for a clean slate and with a chance to play for a winning team for the first time in his professional life. Dillon, who has plenty of life left in his legs, figures to receive the vast majority of the carries in Foxboro, and we feel that he has at least 2-3 more double-digit TD years in him. And while there's no Marvin Harrison or Terrell Owens in the WR core, Joe "on the" Horn and Plaxico "don't spike a live ball" Burress form a solid enough core to carry this team a long ways.

8) Who's going to be the [worst] surprise team of 2004?
That is, who's going from first-to-worst? The bet here is Flaming Shrapnel, with or without Eric Liao at quarterback. That Flaming finished first in its division at 8-8, is more a testament to luck and a kind schedule than it was to the scorching play of anyone not named Anquan. Heading into 2004, the Shrapnel [aside from the above QB issues] have several question marks at RB. Thomas Jones has received a lot of attention now that he is once again a starter in Chicago. But can Rex Grossman really do enough to take the pressure off a guy who's been labeled as a "bust" for three straight years? Domanick Davis appears relatively solid, but was only the best rookie from a very weak 2003 rookie RB class. Michael Bennett has yet to prove that he is much other than an injury prone track star, and William Green may never be able to run without looking over his shoulder again [certainly a rather unfortunate affliction for a running back] after being tragically [some might say comically] stabbed in the back by his finacee. While we admit that Terrell Owens, Anquan Boldin and Eric Moulds is a beastly combo of receivers, counting on WRs in fantasy football is like counting on Smarty Jones in the Belmont Stakes.

So there you have it - 8 questions and 8 answers to tide you over and through the preseason workouts and prognistications. Here's to football!