Showdown

It has been an unusually quiet week here at Chunky Monkey headquarters as the Monkeys get set to take on their hated rival TE Jammers in CTDB's week three Game of the Week [GOTW].

When the Monkey and Jammers meet, the preceeding week is usually filled with an assortment of trash talk and verbal barbs between the players, coaches, and even the general managers. Recent references to the sexual orientation of Jammer members and to the weight issues inside the Monkey locker room have only heightened the tension between these bitter division rivals. Now that each sit at 1-1 and are both in need of this key victory, the stage is set for the biggest showdown thus far in the young 2004 season.

Monkey GM Shiue was unusually understated Monday, issuing only a short statement proclaiming that "this week is no different than any other" and that he "holds the Jammer organization in high regard." One anonymous CTDB GM, when told of Shiue's public comments, burst out laughing, saying, "That's just Shiue being Shiue and not wanting to give the Jammers and added motivation. Everyone in CTDB and their grandma knows how badly the Monkeys want this win - this is definitely not just any game. When you see them on Sunday, you'll see the real animosity between these two squads. Expect some fireworks."

Jammer GM Lei Pan was unavailable for comment for this story, but a source close to the Jammer team told Sportsline that "yeah, we wanna smash those guys [Chunky Monkeys] in the mouth, beat em up real good. I didn't tell you this, but the rumor in the locker room is that management is offering $50,000 to whoever puts a season ending hit on Peyton." Monkey phenom Ladanian Tomlinson commented on the remarks by saying, "They're a dirty team, so I'm not surprised at all. But me and Shaun will be ready to protect Peyton at all costs, so nobody here is worried. Tell 'em to bring it on, leave the talking to the reporters and come Sunday we'll see who's the best."

Of critical importance to both teams this week is the health of their RBs. Holmes for the Jammers and the Monkeys' Shaun Alexander are both coming off moderate injuries. While both are expected to play, it is unclear how much they will be able to contribute. In what can only be a positive for the Jammers, Alcorn State product Air McNair is reportedly dealing with a mildly sprained ankle. It is widely known that McNair does his best work when hurt - so the Monkey defense will definitely be tested by McNair and the Jammers' all-world WR Marvin Harrison. Look for a high scoring game, likely decided by a late touchdown from either Jerry Porter or Chris Chambers.

It's only Wednesday, folks, so stay tuned - the trash talking will undoubtedly only get worse before Sunday.

Tiki Leaves Town

The last starting member of the Dirty Birds craptastic team from last year has been cut. Yes fanboys and superfans, versatile RB Tiki Barber has been waived from the team that he joined late last season. With his departure from the team, all vestiges of the Dirty Birds dirty season has been cut, save for inconsistent WR Ashley Lelie.

To follow the convoluted path of how the Birds acquired Mr Barber, here is our trade tracker expert, Mel Kiper Sr. "It began with the innocent trade of M Vick, A Green and M Harrison for D Bledsoe, R Williams, J Horn and C Rogers. Soon after that trade, C Rogers was moved for M Bennett. Bennet was moved, along with A Boldin, for T Barber and I Hilliard. And now, Tiki is unceremoniously dumped by the Birds youth minded management."

So how does the "worst trade ever" stack up for the Birds? Almost a full year after the "huge mistake," Bledsoe was cut and Ricky Williams retired. J Horn was moved for young backs S Jackson, W McGahee and WR J McCareins earlier these season. C Rogers turned into M Bennett who turned into Tiki, who just got cut. So, less than two years past a championship core, the Birds have Jackson, McGahee and McCareins instead of Vick, Ahman and Marvin. Sounds fair doesn't it?

Just one week removed from an outstanding WK1 performance, Tiki was understandably upset about his lack of a job heading into WK2. "Last week I ran up and down the field, I broke big runs, I scored a TD, how can they cut me?" Vowing to never set foot in Deion Sanders Stadium ever again, Tiki stormed out from a meeting with GM Jon Yang. "Bastard, see what I do for an opposing team, this move just goes to prove how idiotic management has been for the past year. Retards!"

Asked by reporters why a trade wasn't pursued, GM Yang could only shrug and say, "There was no interest in Tiki, he's kind of washed up you know? And confidence around the league in him is not as high as it once was." This was a business decision, nothing more. We have a stable of young backs and receivers and as much as we needed veteran leadership, we couldn't part with any of our emerging talent. So, we wish Mr Barber the best of luck on his next team."

In other news, Donald Driver was also cut from the Birds roster. Not much uproar was caused. Driver left the building mumbling "They cut me for a defense? What? Who even needs a defense?" When informed that Tiki Barber was cut for a kicker, Driver smiled and said "Oh really? Well, i feel better now!"

In other other news, the Dirty Birds signed Natalie Portman, Kristin Kreuk, Scarlett Johannson and for good measure, Jennifer Connelly and Monica Belluci to be sideline reporters and personal assistants for the team president. "If we can't win a game this year, at least we'll have hot chicks on the field."

8 Questions

Shanghai, China - June 8, 2004

With the 2004 CTDB season just around the corner, we here in the commissioner's office thought we'd take a look at 8 burning preseason questions for the upcoming season -

1) Are the Battle Angels planning on going with the empty backfield approach?
We feel this is pertinent when the best running back on the roster is one Eddie George - yeah, the same guy who was supposed to be released on June 1, and the guy who is now engaged in discussions with management about a pay cut. Even if he plays, let's not forget it's the same guy who has struggled to average 3 yards a carry for the past few years. After Eddie? There's the 55 year old Curtis Martin who looks like he's a better fit for the AARP than for the end zone. Moe Williams and Warrick Dunn round out the RB core, two injury-prone guys who are currently slated to be on the short end of a runningback-by-committe platoon. For the Angels, there's always the draft, where stud rookies and quality #2 RBs await.

2) Are the Chunky Monkeys just CTDB's version of the NBA's Sacramento Kings?
That is, an extremely talented team that always seems ready to go the distance but ends up being a bigger tease than that underclassman you took to the senior prom. Let's face it, with a roster sporting the likes of Ladanian Tomlinson, Shaun Alexander, Peyton Manning, Darrell Jackson and David Boston, our sights were set high. But again, the Monkeys succeeded in convincing everyone that they were ready to go the distance - LT routinely ripped off 75 yard screen passes for TDs, Shaun Alexander figured out how to not score all of his TDs in one half and to spread them around, David Boston actually played, Darrell Jackson caught fire, and Peyton Manning was, well, Peyton Manning. Maybe it's something in the water at Monkey Headquarters, maybe it's the management. We just don't know. But we figure that like the King's Maloof brothers, it's only a matter of time before Monkey management realizes something needs to be done and shakes things up.

3) Is Shrapnel GM Eric-L really planning on stepping in and playing QB himself?
We were reluctant at first to give credence to these rumors flying around about Mr. Liao taking snaps behind center, but when we looked at the Shrapnel roster, we realized he might not be kidding. A late season trade for Steve "I finally missed a game because of injury" McNair looks to be a stop-gap measure for last year's playoffs instead of the long term answer, and Tommy Maddox's bumpy 2003 campaign leaves us wondering if Shrapnel will once again be the only team to enter the draft without a signal caller. With 5 solid keepers to be had in the Shrapnel RB and WR ranks, it's not hard to envision. However, heading into the season with Joey Harrington at the helm might be even harder to envision.

4) What's the over-under on the Phreaks' win total at the end of 2004? 1? 2?
Seriously, after a sterling 2-11 2003 campaign, do the Phreak players even believe they can win a game anymore? Sure, there was the credible explanation of the league's toughest schedule, but 2-11 has to be damaging to anyone's psyche - anyone not named "robocop" anyways. It would be beating a dead horse to say that the Phreaks need help at WR - with top 5 talent at the QB, RB1, and RB2 positions, it's difficult to see how this team struggled so mightily last season. Then you realize that the Phreaks last year lost games by scores like 109 - 106, 123 - 102, 108 - 95, and 115 - 91, and you see how it's possible. We've been over this before, but it bears repeating - during the 2003 regular season, Phreak opponents averaged 11 points more against them than against Flaming Shrapnel. 11 points - that's like playing 10 on 11 every week. No wonder. Compared to the Monkeys, who faced the league's second toughest schedule, Phreak opponents averaged 5.2 more points - that's like playing against an extra kicker every week. So, with a little help from lady luck, and perhaps a wide receiver or two, the Phreaks could be poised for a dramatic reversal of fortune in 2004.

5) How many games will Michael Vick last in 2004?
The guess here is less than or equal to 10. Don't get us wrong, we love the guy and the world of athleticism he brings to the QB position. But let's face facts, the guy's not yet a refined quarterback - and who doesn't cringe when Vick gets blindsided by an enraged, 250-pound 'backer as he gallops down the field. Hey Michael - one word of advice: "SLIDE!" Unless he settles down in the pocket and/or learns how to slide to avoid some of those nasty hits he takes, Vick's career is going to be a short one.

6) Who's got the best keeper core of RBs heading into 2004?
[Notice we said "keeper core," so yes, age is a factor]
Several teams immediately come to mind - there's the aforementioned combo of Portis and Lewis in Philadelphia, the Monkey's pairing of Tomlinson and Alexander, Ahman Green and Priest Holmes in Jammer land, Fragile Freddy and Edge for Ante Up. For age and injury concerns, however, we eliminate TE Jammers (Holmes) and Ante Up (Fred Taylor). Which leaves us with the Phreaks and the Monkeys. To us, choosing between Portis and Lewis and Tomlinson and Alexander is like choosing between Eva Mendes and Salma Hayek - while you have arguments for or against either one, at the end of the day, you'd be pretty damned happy to be going home with either one of them. So let's look at depth - the 3rd RB on the Monkey roster is Marcel Shipp. Shipp is penciled in as the starter this year in Arizona, though we note that he is playing with an unproven QB and that he did not score a TD last season despite rushing for over 800 yards. The Phreaks sport Brian Westbrook at RB3. Westbrook, the versatile speedster from Villanova posted 945 combined yards last year and 11 TDs - now sharing time with only Correll Buckhalter instead of Buckhalter and Staley, we see only upside to Westbrook's numbers. However, in total, due to slight questions about Westbrook's durability (he missed one game last year due to a triceps injury), and due to Jamal Lewis' ongoing struggles with the law, we call this one a draw between the Phreaks and Monkeys.

7) Who's going to be the surprise team of 2004?
We'd say that the Phreaks have the best chance of posting a last-to-first type story this season, but we wouldn't really be surprised at that. So, we give this one to the DIRTeByRDeez. The DBs finished last season last in their division with a 5-8 record. While the trade of M. Vick leaves them with an apparent hole at QB, we are extremely high on the young Byron Leftwich. Leftwich has reportedly worked very hard this offseason to learn the playbook and develop timing and chemistry with his wide receivers. Corey Dillon, finishing last season on the bench for the Bengals (that one's gotta hurt), finds himself in New England with a chance for a clean slate and with a chance to play for a winning team for the first time in his professional life. Dillon, who has plenty of life left in his legs, figures to receive the vast majority of the carries in Foxboro, and we feel that he has at least 2-3 more double-digit TD years in him. And while there's no Marvin Harrison or Terrell Owens in the WR core, Joe "on the" Horn and Plaxico "don't spike a live ball" Burress form a solid enough core to carry this team a long ways.

8) Who's going to be the [worst] surprise team of 2004?
That is, who's going from first-to-worst? The bet here is Flaming Shrapnel, with or without Eric Liao at quarterback. That Flaming finished first in its division at 8-8, is more a testament to luck and a kind schedule than it was to the scorching play of anyone not named Anquan. Heading into 2004, the Shrapnel [aside from the above QB issues] have several question marks at RB. Thomas Jones has received a lot of attention now that he is once again a starter in Chicago. But can Rex Grossman really do enough to take the pressure off a guy who's been labeled as a "bust" for three straight years? Domanick Davis appears relatively solid, but was only the best rookie from a very weak 2003 rookie RB class. Michael Bennett has yet to prove that he is much other than an injury prone track star, and William Green may never be able to run without looking over his shoulder again [certainly a rather unfortunate affliction for a running back] after being tragically [some might say comically] stabbed in the back by his finacee. While we admit that Terrell Owens, Anquan Boldin and Eric Moulds is a beastly combo of receivers, counting on WRs in fantasy football is like counting on Smarty Jones in the Belmont Stakes.

So there you have it - 8 questions and 8 answers to tide you over and through the preseason workouts and prognistications. Here's to football!

Nigerian Nightmare Keeps It Dirty

With the foresight of Rasputin and the voice of Jennifer Love, GM Yang today announced his keeper list....nine months early. Incredible!!! Not one returning player from last year will be kept. Ricky Williams? Trash. Tiki Barber? Trash identical. Joe Horn? Who you calling daddy? Plaxico? Michigan State, you ain't shit, please. The new keeper five for the Dirty Birds will be, in no particular order: Jamal Anderson, Andre Rison, Deion Sanders, MC Hammer and Christian Okoye.

The question most people might ask is, "Isn't this a keeper league for future and current stars? These guys sound kind of old don't they? And isn't MC Hammer now know only as Hammer?" To prove the doubters wrong, The Home Depot store on Atlanta's Main Street was opened to the public as a workout/concert was underway to showcase the talents of these five venerable veterans. In explaining the philosophy behind this sure to be wildly successful move, GM Yang had this to say.

"What we needed in here was some fans in seats. After the worst trade ever in the galaxial universe and beyond, we felt we needed to move for some big names. Some exciting stars of the past, you can never go wrong with hindsight right?. In Madden '94, we exclusively threw to Andre Rison and Michael Haynes on slants and deep posts and we never lost a game. We had to get Bad Moon, especially after Left Eye left his physical universe, he's been kinda down lately. Jamal Anderson was the big thighed inspiration for our name and the secret father of Beyonce Knowles-Anderson. Plus we think he dances better than her anyway. We needed to get him up in this. And what can you say about Deion? He's the best two way player there ever was (yes guys, that means he likes you too!). And now that he's an almost coach and a semi-believable preacher, we will have god, the x's, and the o's on our side. Unbelievable. The addition of Hammer was purely for pity's sake. He was always stalking the sidelines in the mid-90s and we feel like those big pants of his are really going to come back. He's always been 2 legit 2 quit and we want to show our city that we too are "too legit." Hammer will be our new triple threat quarterback. He will dance, sing and make popcorn. Get ready.

But really, the real genius behind this deal is the signing of Christian Okoye. Many of you may not remember him but he was a super back for much of the late 80s and the early 90s. He made the Bus look like a Bug, check out the pads. While Mr Okoye has been admittedly out of shape for much of the past decade, his English has improved remarkably. He's up to two syllable words and his conversations sometimes last past three seconds. Anyone with the nickname "The Nigerian Nightmare" deserves to be given a second chance in the league. We at Dirty Bird Co are all about second chances (hi Corey Dillon). We had the soft running depression ridden Ricky Williams last year and the fumble often Tiki so we figured we might as well get the Nightmare and the Dirty Bird in here to cause some ruckus."

Trev Alberts of ESPN fame had this to say about this stunning turn of events. "Well, it looks like this could soon be a dynasty in the making. Like Isiah with a prayer, GM Yang has moved to ensure his spot in the GM hall of fame. With championships sewn up from here till the next century, this solid nucleus of five will dominate like Death and never give up like Taxes. How're you gonna defend this? Deion speeding down the sideline on a go route, Andre on a quituple cut post route, Jamal dancing out of the backfield, Christian blowing up linebackers like Nigerians blow up food lines. All this with Hammer slanging the rock. Yeah Hammer, don't hurt'em."

Michael Vick was contacted to be a keeper but so far the Birds have been unable to snatch him away from the newly crowned champions of the world, the Tite End Jammers. And to that we say "Michael Vick and Lei Pan, watch out for Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly (join his "Free Jeff in 2006" campaign). We know where you live."

Seasons 2004-2100?, it's already in the history books. Go home to your mommy.

Super Bowl III

Playa Del Rey, CA --

Well, there was suspense but as jubilant Jammers fans celebrated their home team's CTDB Super Bowl victory on Tuesday, it was pretty apparent that the suspense wasn't really all that great. T-shirts were printed before the game had even started, victory mugs were being handed out on the streets. After all this was the same Jammer team that steamrolled its way to a 11-2 regular season, tops in the league. This was the same Jammer team that scored almost 1700 points this season in 15 games or 113 points per game, also good for first in the league. Fast forward to last week's championship game.

The cinderella Shrapnel, starting a team that was almost worse than the Bad News Bears, really stood no chance. The game was over before it started. Despite a lack of true passing attack, it really didn't matter - the Jammer backfield of Priest Holmes and Ahman Green combined for almost 700 total points this season. Marvelous Harrison also did his part by chipping in 217 points, good for the 5th best receiver so far this season. But thats all the team needed to dominate this league ... a little bit of passing and a whole LOT of running.

Jammer President, Lei Pan, in his first interview since his team's victory spoke to ESPN's Chris Berman. "This has been a great season for our fans and for our team. A whole lot of credit goes out to Ahman and PH. Those guys were unbelievable this season. Its certainly taken awhile but I must say it was worth the wait. We've been a good team for 3 straight years now but it takes a lot of good fortune as well to make it all work. We finally did it."

Former Charger quarterback, Sean Salisbury, broke down the Jammers' season: "The Jammer's unbelievable season can be directly attributed to two things: 1. Ahman Green and Priest Holmes and 2. Management and Coaching. There is no question that runningbacks are crucial to this league and the Jammers proved just that. The Jammers really had no viable passing game outside of Marvin Harrison and they absolutely dominated on the offensive side of the football. Outside of a handful of runningbacks including the Monkeys' Ladainian Tomlinson, Ahman and Priest are truly in a league of their own.

However, even more importantly, I believe the Jammers' success can be attributed even more to the team's management this season. The team made some great acquisitions, engineered some of the lopsided trades in the league's history and employed terrific play-calling this seasons. Weekly pickups of the various defenses have proved to be invaluable. The trade for Ahman, Mike Vick and Marvin will probably go down as one of the ridiculous trades in league history. And if you think about it, the Jammers did all this with Vick on the bench. How scary is that? Next season can be even worse for the rest of the league."

Tight Ends:
Sources close to the team told CTDB Insider that Pan was so jubilant about his team's victory that he invited his entire staff including his personal entourage of mathematicians, statisticians and financial analysts to his mansion on the California coast, otherwise known as the Palace of Pan. Heavily guarded in secrecy by numerous security gates, rumors indicate that the Palace of Pan dwarfs the neighboring Hearst Castle in both size and luxury. Filled with computers, computer games, dlp technologies, wall scrolls, magic cards, luxury vehicles, and nerdy chinese boys ... the place is heaven for geeks. Some of us are obviously more blessed than others.

Good win to the Jammers.